"Beutiful art made with kintting (sic)"

Yeah. Don't ask me what this is about. Impaled children, conjoined teddy bears, and knitted pink dominatrix gear? If we were playing the Pyramid, I would have no idea what was going on.

Man Has Cardiac Arrest at Cardiologist Ball

Oh, my god! Honey, are you okay? Honey?! Oh my god, Roger! Is there a doctor in the...oh, yeah, of course there is.

An elderly man collapsed from cardiac arrest in a ballroom packed with cardiologists and other doctors attending an
American Heart Association fundraiser.

"If you have to go down, that was the place, I guess," said Dr. Richard Westerman, a cardiologist who helped save the man.

(Source: AP/Yahoo)

'Panda porn' to encourage mating

Oh, baby, yeah, smack me with your front paws. Just like that. You beast!

Zoo administrator Prasertsak Puttrakul, who leads a team taking care of the pandas, noted they tend to live in isolation in the wild, and do not witness other pandas mating. "That's why they are bound to extinction should there be no help," he said.

Because of that, Prasertsak has prepared a DVD of pandas having sexual intercourse to show the couple, hoping the demonstration -- call it panda porn -- will inspire them to make a love connection.

(Source: CNN)

http://thebrainfreeze.com/

Proof that you don't need a big budget to make a funny video. A montage (with gratuitous use of starwipe) of several people intentionally giving themselves brain freeze with a big slurpee.

How to Jump Serve a Volleyball

A friend and I are looking into playing some volleyball this spring. She used to play for her school team, is tall, and is going to be an asset to whatever team we might end up joining. I am not quite 5'4", with one wonky knee, and pounded a volleyball about six times in gym class when I was 14 years old. It's gonna be good times!

James Lipton Recites Lyrics to KFed's "PopoZao"

A video clip from Conan O'Brien, in which a sideways trucker-behatted James Lipton interprets the unparalleled lyrics of Mr. Britney Spears first attempt at music, "PopoZao."

(Source:gorillamask)

Injuries on the Set of "All My Children"

That bitch Susan Lucci was spotted in a dark corner of the set, a fedora tipped down over her eyes, a trenchcoat rendering her nearly invisible, chuckling maniacally. She then got pregnant by her long-lost twin's amesiac husband in a coma, took over a rival's corporation, kidnapped a baby and tried to pass it off as her own, orchestrated a fake wedding, and then had a nice green salad.

Four stunt artists were hurt in a special-effects accident on the set of the soap opera "All My Children," the ABC show said Friday.

"Unfortunately, during a shoot which included planned special effects, four stunt people were injured," the show said in a statement. "All four are expected to make a swift recovery."

(Source: AP/Yahoo)

Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Confirmed Not Hawaii's State Fish

I don't have any particularly witty comment to make on this story, I just wanted to include the word "humuhumunukunukuapuaa" somewhere in my blog.

Everyone thought the humuhumunukunukuapuaa was Hawaii's state fish. As it turns out, the brightly colored fish with the excessively long name has been dethroned.

The stubby-nosed, brightly striped and slightly aggressive little fish whose name few tourists even try to utter (it's pronounced HOO-moo-HOO-moo-NOO-koo-NOO-koo-AH-poo-AH-ah) is commonly believed to be the state's favorite. The fish figures into tourist trinkets, broadcast commercials and a much-beloved song about a little grass shack.

(Source: AP/Yahoo)

Calpurnia's World Gets More Complex

Calpurnia is still puzzled by the concept of things inside socks, i.e. "feet." This peculiar feature of her personality goes all the way back to her wee months, when she lived with me in a very cold apartment in rural Indiana. Once the weather got warmer and I started walking around barefoot, she thought something pink and soft and weird had eaten part of my body.

Now I've further complicated her understanding of human feet by getting a pedicure. She sits at the bottom of my bed staring at my feet with even more wariness than before. Imagine if I slipped a little shiny toe ring on there, and wiggled it to and fro. Her little baby mind would be totally blown.

Poetry Corner, With Puke

And now, to fulfill the creative portion of my blog requirements, a poem, based on a series of text messages written to friends while I was on the train heading north from a social engagement in the downtown area.

Ahem.

"I'm out of the play now and heading your way.
I'm sleepy.
Are you guys at the bar yet?
There's puke on the platform at Belmont.
God, I love the city!"

Imagine this set to music. It would be...sublime.

Brad and Angelina Are Better Than You In Yet Another Way

There may have been some recent chatter about these two, I forget the details. Something about a new movie, or getting a puppy or something, I don't know. I live in a media-proof box.

But one thing that did slip through was the one item guaranteed to make Bella livid with envy: Ang and B-Daddy are in line to go into space, having bought seats on Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic spaceship that will shoot into space in 2010.

Why can't regular schmoes like me go into space? Well, we might, if the proposed space lottery is put into use. Cross your fingers, or become a worldwide movie star, whichever seems more plausible for you.

(Source: idontlikeyouinthatway)

Harrier Jet Fuel Tank Narrowly Misses Country Cyclist

"Came away" is so much better than "fell off and nearly flattened a man," huh? Gotta love those military euphemisms.

A cyclist said he thought he was going to die after an auxiliary fuel tank from an RAF Harrier jet fell from the sky and missed him by inches.

Les Sprason, who lives in the village, said the fuel tank had spiralled over his head while he cycled along the country road.

"I thought, I am going to die because it is going to explode, and this is me finished," he said.

The tank fell from the jet and landed in a field with a dull thud. Mr Sprason added: "It came over the road, over my head, somersaulting, and impacted into a hedgerow. It ruptured itself, and the aviation fuel was pouring out."

An RAF spokesman said that the auxiliary tank "came away" from the aircraft and was not jettisoned.

(Source: scotsman)

Black Sargeant Offered KKK Leadership Position

If nothing else, this guy has a great story to tell at parties.

About 25 years ago, Ron Stallworth was asked to lead the Ku Klux Klan chapter in Colorado Springs. Problem was, the outgoing Klan leader didn't know that Stallworth is black. "He asked me to take over the lead because I was a good, loyal Klansman," said Stallworth, who had been in constant phone contact with the Klan leader while leading a yearlong Colorado Springs police investigation into the Klan...He says he's amazed that no one ever caught on to the investigation he led starting in 1979.

(Source: deseretnews)

A Snowy Night in Chicago, and a Trip to the Steppenwolf

Last night I saw Haruki Murakami's "After the Quake" (adapted by Frank Galati) at the Steppenwolf Theater. It featured a six year old girl who might be in contention for the cutest thing that ever drew breath, Kayla Lauren Mei Mi Tucker.

Paris Hilton is Even Dumber Than You Thought

Socialite and waste of human tissue Paris Hilton is being deposed for a slander lawsuit involving her and some girl she decided she hated and wanted to get some high-class revenge on. Among her pitiably ignorant statements during her deposition:

"It is like a weird Greek name. Like, Douglas."

"I meet so many people. I don't even know some of my friends' names," Hilton said.

Later, Graff's lawyer, Paul Berra, asked her if she was aware that the false item had made its way into "U.K. publications."

"No," Hilton replied. "There is stuff in London." Her lawyer, Larry Stein, jumped in to explain, "London is a U.K. publication." "Right. U.K. Whatever," Hilton answered, per the deposition.

Hilton attributed her confusion about where the article might have been republished to the fact that she spent the summer in Europe, where she was faced with a language barrier.

"I was in Europe the whole summer, and all there is is like French," she explained. "I didn't see anything because I wasn't in America."

(Source: eonline/Yahoo)

Rick Moranis Releases "Cowboy" Record

Everyone together, now: huh?

Swedish Sex Shop Explodes

Sounds like Gothenburg has the hottest sex shops. This one actually exploded.

Human Ears Evolved From Ancient Fish Gills

I can't hear you! Speak directly into my slippery gills!

Your ability to hear relies on a structure that got its start as a gill opening in fish, a new study reveals.

Humans and other land animals have special bones in their ears that are crucial to hearing. Ancient fish used similar structures to breathe underwater.

(Source: livescience)

Leif Garrett Was Made For Dancing...With Mr. Brownstone

A reality check for you baby boomers out there. The 1970's were a long time ago.

Case in point: Leif Garrett. He was recently arrested for jumping the turnstile in the L.A. subway, and, oh yeah, possession of heroin (again). Just goes to show you that even the most slickly-produced VH1-orchestrated career intervention, I mean "Behind the Music," won't help a person who just doesn't want to be helped.

The real question is, was it the drugs and the child-star exploitation that made life so tough for this guy, or was it the fact that his first girlfriend was Nicollette Sheridan?

Face Transplant Recipient Smokes Again

Is it considered second-hand smoke when you're smoking a cigarette with someone else's lips?

The world's first face transplant recipient is using her new lips to take up smoking again, which doctors fear could interfere with her healing and raise the risk of tissue rejection.

"It is a problem," Dr. Jean-Michel Dubernard, who led the team that performed the pioneering transplant in France on Nov. 27, acknowledged on Wednesday.

(Source: AP/Yahoo)

"Saturday Night Live," or Twice as Much Booty? Your Choice.

Is anything that's on basic cable after nine worth it anyway? You'd have to get some pay-per-view to make up the difference, if you catch my drift.

A study by an Italian sexologist has found that couples who have a TV set in their bedroom have sex half as often as those who don't.

(Source: Reuters/Yahoo)

Ham and Eggs You Can Find in the Dark

YUMMY. I wonder if glowing eggs benedict will give you glow-in-the-dark belches.

Taiwan, home to the world's first transgenic glowing fish, has successfully bred fluorescent green pigs that researchers hope will boost the island's stem cell research, a professor said Thursday.

"There are partially fluorescent green pigs elsewhere, but ours are the only ones in the world that are green from inside out. Even their hearts and internal organs are green," Wu said on Thursday.

(Source: Reuters/Yahoo)

"The village council has demanded he prove he is not a ghost"

Sort of a catch-22.

An Indian man who was believed dead caused panic when he returned, causing villagers to think he had come back as a ghost, the Times of India reported Monday....Villagers and family members have ostracized him, forcing Raghuvanshi to file a complaint with local police. The village council has demanded he prove he is not a ghost, but the paper did not say what kind of proof the elders wanted.

(Source: Reuters/Yahoo)

Battle For Cute Supremacy

Sometimes life forces us to make cruel choices. Case in point: Kitten War.

(Thanks to the folks at the Cute Overload Blog.)

Send Email to the Future

Yeah, it's nice to think I might still be around in several years, so I can receive a e-mail from my younger self, and be yelled at by me for not having achieved any of my life goals.

The site is one of a handful that let people send e-mails to themselves and others years in the future. They are technology's answer to time capsules, trading on people's sense of curiosity, accountability and nostalgia.

"Messages into the future is something that people have always sought to do,'' said Paul Saffo, director of the Institute for the Future. "In a way, it's a statement of optimism.''

(Source: livescience)

Happiness Buys Success

This seems rather intuitive. Rather unworthy of an actual study. Successful, happy people are more attractive than sad losers. Duh.

"When people feel happy, they tend to feel confident, optimistic, and energetic and others find them likable and sociable," said Sonja Lyubomirsky of the University of California, Riverside. "Happy people are thus able to benefit from these perceptions."

(Source: Yahoo/Live Science)

Don't Be a Bleeding Mammal: How to Avoid Shark Attacks

Last year I was vacationing in San Diego with my brother when we got into a big argument about whether we should take a dip in the lovely ocean after breakfast. Well, that was the surface content of the argument.

The subtext was much more primal and "family of origin" and sibling conflict type stuff. Plus, I was feeling whiney and uncooperative.

Fine, maybe I was a little hungover or lazy (if I can't remember which, was it probably both?), but I kept coming up with all of these elaborate reasons to stay dry. "I had a bagel for breakfast," I said. "The moon is in the seventh house." "They spotted sharks just off the coast yesterday morning."

And then I hit on the bullseye. "I'm on my period," I said. (Was I? I don't really remember.) "So what?" He said. "So that makes me a bleeding mammal in the water, that's what. They'll think I'm a hurt baby seal and come in for the kill." "You're out of your mind."

Wrong.

Don't swim with open cuts -- even a small amount of blood in the water can attract sharks from miles away. Some experts recommend that menstruating women also avoid swimming in the ocean.

Little sister ONE, big brother ZERO. (Oh, and also, shark ZERO.)

(Source: howstuffworks)

"Molly" the Runaway Cow Will Be Spared

Free Molly!

A cow that escaped last week from a Montana slaughterhouse, leading workers and police on a six-hour chase, will be spared following a wave of popular support, officials said on Tuesday.

(Source: Reuters/Yahoo)

Mideast Barbie More Modestly Dressed

Will Ken still find her hot?

"Fulla sells better because it is closer to our Arab values: she never reveals a leg or an arm," says Tarek Mohammed, chief salesman at a Toys'R'Us branch in Mohandessin, one of Cairo's more upmarket neighbourhoods.

(Source: AFP/Yahoo)

Woman Claims Fetus Allows Her To Drive in Carpool Lane

Nice try, lady.

Sgt. Dave Norton stopped Dickinson's car Nov. 8. When asked how many people were in the car, Dickinson said two, pointing to "her obvious pregnancy," the officer said.

Norton said Dickinson's theory "would require officers to carry guns, radios and pregnancy testers, and I don't think we want to go there."

(Source: AP/Yahoo)

Pandafix.com

'Cause cute is good for you.

It's Not Just a Cliche

It's not just a motivational poster, it's science. No two snowflakes are alike. However, people like you and me? A dime a dozen.

(Source: livescience)

Bella Is Not Sophisticated (Whorey, Materialistic) Enough To Live in NYC

The New York Post reports of the phenomenon of women who proudly call themselves "dinner whores." Charming.

"The concept of dating has changed," says 26-year-old blond bombshell Brooke Parkhurst, who estimates over the course of her 200-plus dinner-whore encounters she has run up combined tabs of $30,000 in New York and beyond. "Women used to feel like something had to be given in exchange, whereas now I'm perfectly confident that my company is enough.

Brooke (pictured above making the "Oh, goodness me, no, I'm much too dainty and high-class to touch the check and actually buy my own Boneless Quail Saltimbocca, and Moroccan Spice Maple Leaf Breast and Duck Leg Confit. Would you please take me to Tiffany's for dessert?" hand gesture) went on to say:

"Men are always saying, 'It's just sex.' Well, this is just dinner. I don't feel sorry for them."

Ah. What an enchanting buttercup. Brooke is both stupid and shallow. A winning combination. Garcon! Some pie for the lady's face!

(Source: NYP)

Listed Ingredients in What I'm Eating Right Now

"Peanut Fingers: NT. 4 OZ
Ing: Sugar, Flour, Peanut, Margin"

I can hardly tell the difference between margin and butter anymore, the stuff is that good.

Weight Watchers Recipe Cards, Circa 1974

Featuring such irresistable temptations as Cabbage Casserole Czarina, Fluffy Mackerel Pudding, Fish Balls, Slender Quenchers, and Caucasian Shashlik. Geez. Maybe it would be better to just eat chili cheese dogs and be a little chunky.

(Source: Candyboots)

Braille Version of Playboy

Another tidbit from the Banterist. Hawwt.

Whitney Houston...Looks Unwell

I can't even make a joke at this point. The woman looks like she's at death's door. It was funny early on, now it's teetering on tragic.

(Source: Boston Herald)

History of Showbiz Bad Parenting

Inspired by Dina Lohan, the New York Daily News has compiled a history of the worst parents in show business, reaching all the way back to the archetype, Mommie Dearest herself. Also featuring Drew's mom, "accomplice" Jaid Barrymore, Jessica Simpson's creepy dad Joe, grody-ass deadbeat Kevin Federline, Jennifer Aniston's nutso and opportunistic mom Nancy Dow, and perennial favorite Courtney "Oh, yeah, I have a daughter!" Love.

(Source: NYDailyNews)

Eccentric America - a Guidebook to Weirdness

Use it to plan your next family vacation! Featuring information about "the World's Largest Ball of Paint" (perhaps better described as a momument to OCD), Skeletons in the Closet (the gift shop of the L.A. County Coroner), Barney Smith's Toilet Seat Museum, Frozen Dead Guy Day, the J. Stephen O'Laughlin Memorial Restroom, the Museum of Bad Art, and the Mud Pit Belly Flop at the Redneck Games in East Dublin, Georgia. Yeehaw!

When You're Feeling Crabby...the Cute Overload Blog

There is no bad mood that the Cute Overload Blog cannot help with. Bunnies, hamsters, squirrels, and much, much more.

Toledo City Temp Busted For Excessive Web Posting

Oops. Sure, he got all his work done on time, but he also posted on a sports website as young, blonde "Sassy Sarah" - 6,622 times.

Mr. Leo, of Pemberville, said he graduated from the University of Toledo and is looking for a job. He said a story about his Internet use wasn't going to help.

(Source: Toledo Blade)

"Fundies Say the Darndest Things!"

Don't read this website when you're in a "morons are running the world and changing laws and education to suit their own purposes" mood.

Two "Deer Rampage" Stories In One Day

Don't be fooled by their fuzzy tails, their shy demeanor, and all that Bambi propaganda. They will crash through plate glass windows, scare children, and mess up your inventory if you give them half a chance.

(Source: AP/Yahoo)

Interview with Daily Show Writer Chris Regan

Courtesy of the Banterist, a profile of Daily Show writer Chris Regan.

Banterist: Describe a typical day as a writer for The Daily Show, incorporating a few subtle references to Harrison Ford films.

Chris: We get together in the AM, read the papers and watch television. After we decide what stories we will cover, we divvy them up amongst writers and go work on headlines, while a few other folk go to work on either desk pieces (sketches with the correspondents and Jon in the studio) or pitch in on field pieces. The afternoons are spent rewriting or working on stuff for the following day's show. During rehearsal, we get together and take a look at Harrison Ford's 1979 underrated WWII weepie, Hanover Street. We then all agree that Lesley-Anne Down was "radiant" and bemoan the fact she wasn't a bigger star.

I Saw Him Again Last Night

I saw Mr. Crazy Angry Soviet Man on the way home from the comedy SketchFest last night, at the Belmont stop. He must be back on his meds, though, because he wasn't berating anyone or yelling about the injustices of the communist system. I boarded as far from him as possible, though, just to be on the safe side.



FYI, my favorite of the four sketch troupes I saw last night? "Hooray For Fun." Really sharp and funny. I actually laughed out loud several times, which is pretty rare. I can't find a website for that particular group, but here's a site for two of the three of them.

Linsday Lohan Doesn't Like Scarlett Johansson

Lindsay Lohan is an unendingly amusing ball of fire. After spending some time in a cozy, dark corner of a hot club with Kate Moss (wonder what sorts of fun things they have in common? sniffety sniff), she apparently whipped out a marker and wrote some nasty graffiti about Scarlett Johansson on the wall of the bathroom stall. I'd tell you exactly what she wrote, but there are some words even I won't post on my blog. 'Cuz I'm classy like that. But Gawker has all the scoop. And photographic proof.