March 27, 2006

Insomnia Sucks

Argh. I can't sleep. I've had a full day, and I'm tired, but I can't fall asleep. I worked out (twice), wrote a sketch, went to class, hung out with a friend, made some phone calls, took care of some e-mails, and...can't unwind.

At moments like this, it's hard to shut off my thoughts. I'm never really able to relax and disengage like some people can. Even when I'm exhausted, my mind is still always spinning and processing. I'm a chronic overthinker. I know this. Sometimes this is a tremendous advantage, and sometimes it makes me unhappy to be me.

This used to happen to me when I was little, too, and usually I'd sneak a book, video game or electronic toy under the covers with me, and try to zonk myself out that way. (Ohhh...parallel. As usual, I'm blogging in bed right now.)

Even if I didn't have large life issues looming in my mind (which I do), little things are pestering me. I'd rather not expound on big life issues here, but maybe I can chip away at the little things. Maybe if I list some of them out, they will stop bugging me. Okay, here goes.

Stuff that's haunting my peace of mind right now:

**Crossword puzzle answers that have stumped me. (Oh, New York Times. Why, when I love you so, do you sometimes make me feel inferior?) Not to mention missed Scrabble triple word score opportunities. Seriously, three times on the train today I found myself rethinking the end of Saturday's family 'n' friends Scrabble game, and what words I could have made out of a Z, a C, and a J.

**Things I carelessly said by which I unintentionally hurt people's feelings. This has happened several times recently (I think). Usually it's because I was saying things about myself, self-depricating (and sometimes downright disparaging), and those things were mistaken as comments about the person I was talking to. I'm not that kind of person, honestly. I would really rather have my own feelings hurt than hurt someone else's. Sometimes I worry that people don't understand that about me, especially people I'm just getting to know. To them (not that they will read this), I offer a Calvin and Hobbes hug.

**I have eaten two bagels over my laptop recently, which have left poppyseeds and sesame seeds jangling about in the keyboard. There's one stuck under the comma key right now, and it's thwarting my usually fluid typing style.

**It bugs me when men at the gym don't rack their weights after lifting heavy stuff. There are signs all over the place asking politely for people to do this, and sometimes they don't. This morning I went to use some of the shoulder press machines, and they were loaded with those giant 45 pound wheels, which I can't lift, and have to struggle to remove and put back on the rack. Stupidly, I waddled across the gym with them so I could do my weenie-ass press, and mashed my finger in the process. In addition to a swollen and painful finger, I also have a chipped manicure. (But hey, my shoulders are looking nice and manly lately.)

**I worry that my blog is getting too personal (and, in spots like this, too whiny). When I first started publishing this blog, I intended to keep it content-based, and minimally personal. But then, shouldn't it be whatever I want it to be? I started an ill-fated photo blog not long ago and then quickly decided it was too boring, so I pulled it. I have been looking into acquiring and learning animation software so I can expand my comic expressions on the web, so why not let the blog evolve in other ways as well?

Oh...I'm actually getting sleepy now. And I'm just scratching the surface. Maybe the whinging list-making has done the trick. Lucky for you, huh? This way you don't have to read the full list of "stupid things I'm driving myself crazy with."

::YAWN:: Good night.


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

whinging list-making?

Bella Rossa said...

Yes. I can admit it. That's what that post amounted to.