Online Celebrity Bitchfights

Joss Whedon VS Warren Ellis.

Whedon: The truth is, Ellis is just afraid to say what this is REALLY about. Cassaday. Right, Ellis? He’s drawing Planety AND Admonishing X-mens (now with 17% more Wolverine!) and you hate me for it. You’ve always been jealous — you started your book just to steal him from me — which was idiotic since I didn’t meet him till several years after! Ha! Seriously, Warner, we’re tearing little Johnny apart. Let’s bury the hatchet. Come to the Con with me. Yes, you can dress like Puffy YumiAmi or whatever that thing is you have that outfit of. We’ll have a blast. I’m buyin’ the lead-based food that you have to wait four hours in line for and then rips out of your stomach like you’re John Hurt, and I’ll even buy you a comic. Plus I hear Brandon Routh might be there! He’s dreamy.

Judd Apatow VS Mark Brazill.

Apatow: I have no interest in talking with you on the phone anymore. I know you are very successful and think that gives you the right to judge people and berate them regardless of the facts, but I have had enough of you for one day. I know it's hard to believe that your rock band TV idea, which every writer in this town has thought of at one point, was not on my mind half a year after you told it to me. Yes, you thought of breaking the fourth wall. Groucho and George Burns stole it from you.

Joe Rogan VS Some Random Kid.

Rogan: To answer your question, when I was 20, I was US open tae kwon do champion, and I was teaching it at Boston University, going to U Mass and thinking about doing stand up. I WASN'T insulting celebrities and then using my age as an excuse for why I've never accomplished anything. What the fuck have you ever done, Kevin? Come on, fat boy. Please do tell.

Bonus link: Kevin Smith's legendary six-year old online tirade about "Greasy Reese-y Witherspoon." Smith doesn't come off as the victor in this little tiff, which one suspects might exist largely in his head.

Funny how much can change in six years. Smith refers to Witherspoon and husband Ryan Phillippe as "a couple of B-listers" as he considers taking a late-night drive through their neighborhood and egging their house. Reese, of course, recently signed a $29 million contract for a single movie, knocking the esteemed thespian pony Julia Roberts off the top of the list of best paid actresses. Anything that makes ol' Julia gasp like she just had the wind knocked out of her is okay by me.

Smith: First, she comes off faux-erudite as all hell, and condescending to boot (personality traits that make for the kiss of death in my book). Secondly, she compares her Stephen Dorff-starring flick S.F.W. to Clerks, calling them "...the same movie, essentially." If you're me, and you've seen S.F.W., this is tantamount to saying Clerks licks balls. By meeting's end, we tell Don there's no reason to bring her back for an audition, as we're now non-Reese fans.

So maybe Kevin Smith is the immature idiot that most items in the press seem to suggest.

Oh, and also, Reese recently slammed Jessica Simpson for reinforcing the notion that stupid equals sexy. And I like that.

Witherspoon: "Creating a cultural icon out of someone who goes, 'I'm stupid, isn't it cute?' makes me want to throw daggers.