June 10, 2007

Dreams, Blues, Questions

I had one of those comforting moments we sometimes have after losing a loved one. I saw my father's best friend in a dream last night.

I got on my tiptoes and hugged him and told him I loved him and that I was glad to have one more chance to see him and say goodbye. He was wearing a light blue oxford cloth shirt, the same shirt my deceased brother wears in dreams where I melt and burble and cry and hug him. My parents were both there, sad but happy. My father's friend hugged me back, a big, enveloping bear hug, and said "You should begin a new life now."

Begin a new life, like have a baby? That's what I thought at first. That's totally off my radar right now. Begin my own new life, like fully embrace my new Chicago writing and comedy life? What does that mean? What did he mean?

As much as my tender heart would like to think this was my father's friend speaking directly to me, it may also "just" be my subconscious speaking to me. My subconscious, which, despite my constant care and feeding and nurturing, is sometimes disappointingly blunt and heavy-handed with the metaphors. If it was just my subconscious, what am I trying to tell myself?

Stop resisting the call. Embrace all of these new opportunities. (Again, thanks, subconscious, I know these things.) Someone who knows me very well recently said "I've never seen anyone duck and avoid praise and rewards and much as you do."

Sorry this post is so schmoopy and pensive. That's where I am right now. Back to my usual airy, flippant, sarcastic self soon.


Chancelucky said...

I know this is a stupid question, but I couldn't tell from the post if your father's best friend is still alive.

I thought your move to Chicago was sort of your "new life".

Chancelucky said...

ON the other hand, I could have simply read your previous post to get the answer to my question :}.
Sorry to hear about all the deaths.

Bella Rossa said...

Hey, Chance. Not a stupid question. My father's friend did pass away a few days ago, after a lengthy illness.

My life in Chicago definitely is my "new life," and a wonderful one, but sometimes I find myself not fully embracing it, sort of "resisting the call," and I guess that's what I'm reflecting on.

What a fun week of blog posts this is, huh? ;)