The Job Interview - by Bryan Bowden and Elizabeth McQuern

Rev. Jim Fundy has come up with a humdinger of an idea - sexless porn! Written & produced Bryan Bowden, directing, music and editing by Elizabeth McQuern. Featuring Kristen Studard and Bryan Bowden.

Made especially for Second City's 7 Day Shorts. I'm happy to report my parents think this is hilarious, and they watched it five times when I emailed it to them.

Fallout! A Second City 7 Day Short

We just had an awesome ChUC and I'm exhausted but here's our latest 2-minute funny, via Second City's 7 Day Shorts. This shortie was based on the audience suggestion "fallout," featuring Bryan Bowden, Keith Ecker, John Bohan and Chad Briggs. Written and produced by Bryan Bowden. Video, music and editing by stupid old me. Very proud of this one.

Invention - a Second City 7 Day Shorts project

Here's a one-minute short Bryan and I shot last week with Chelsea Devantez, as part of Second City's 7 Day Shorts program. To keep things nice and meta, here's the blog post Bryan wrote about it.

Invention was screened last night at the DeMaat Theater but none of us were there to see if people laughed at it, a situation we may try to remedy. (One problem - the shorts are screened at 10:30 on Tuesdays, and my show Chicago Underground Comedy is at 9:30 on Tuesdays. Boo.)

Before you ask, the sound effect used for the "invention" is my bikini shaver. Believe it or not, it's almost impossible to find a good vibrator sound effect anywhere online. And yes, casting actresses to play my boyfriend's wife or girlfriend is meta and very fun.



Bonus: here's a photo I took of Chelsea during last season's Impress These Apes. Perhaps in homage to Marge Simpson, she pulled that ray gun out of her hair in the middle of her song. It was pretty great.

Drew Landry at Second City Training Center Teen Stand-up Student Show April 2009

Last video for tonight! 16 year old Drew Landry already runs an open mic, and liked Bryan's class so much he took it twice!

Tony Grayson at the Second City Training Center's teen stand up student show April 2, 2009

Two more videos ...Tony Grayson, who is only 17 but already published jokes in Time Out Chicago!

Lou Engleman at Second City Training Center Teen Stand-up Student Show April 2009

Bryan's student Lou Engleman, who is all over the kids' classes at Second City, from improv to stand-up. Pretty great.

Sydney Davis at Second City Training Center Teen Stand-up Student Show April 2009

Another new vid I just finished for Bryan - 16 year old Sydney Davis' sassy and sharp stand-up at Second City.

Kristan Williams at Second City Training Center Teen Stand-up Student Show April 2009

One of Bryan's stand-up students tells a true tale of sneaking into the alligator cage at the zoo. So cute!

My Pix of Second City Student Show

Saturday was Nellie and Teresa's last student show at Second City! Anyway, here are pictures from their show (whole set here):

"Beefsoy" by Elizabeth McQuern - Second City Chicago

Not blogging. Very busy. I'm catching up on some editing. Watch this. It's my sketch at Second City. It's about seven minutes long. Got a few good laughs from the crowd. Our actors were great.

Extra! Extra! (See? There's a Pun There.)

K-Rock e-mailed me last night as I was wrapping up work: "I'm going to be right near your hood in about an hour, can you meet me?" Who needs more information than that? When K-Rock tells you to be somewhere, you go.

I said "Sure!" and left the house all scrubby after a day of solitary writing, with no makeup and a greasy sunscreen face. Before I knew it I was having a great dinner at Alice and Friends, and slapping on some emergency makeup so I could get dragged into a short comedy film Paul Thomas was shooting at a funeral home right near my house.

It was a demanding role. I had to both walk, sit, pretend to be sad, and flip off a casket. The final product will accompany things like "Being Civil," Paul's reality series set in the post-war years. The below clip features the always awesome Allison Bills (Second City goddess who did the "Chocolate Covered Cherries" video with TJ Miller), and a shirtless, hatchet-wielding Brady Novak.



After ChUC Tuesday night I also got pulled into a shoot Jim Fath and James Asmus were doing for PhatPhree. If things go well, you'll see me as "disgruntled comedy audience member #6." Jim and James are in "Hey You Millionaires," who kicked ass at ChUC week before last, and do stuff like this:

Cute Puppy Feeds Self from Fridge

I'm Sorry, Do I Know You? Photos You Get When You Google "Elizabeth McQuern"

Because I am associated in the public sphere with comedy more than anything else, a lot of image searches for "Elizabeth McQuern" reflect this. Then, of course, there are always the random "huh?" ones that pop up. Here's a sampling of the photos that show up when you google my name, and a brief explanation of whatever connection I might actually have to the people in the photos.

Aziz Ansari. I talked to him on the phone for about a half an hour once, resulting in this interview. He is an amazing comedian and writer who did "Human Giant" on MTV recently, and agrees with me that Bobb'e J Thompson is a genius beyond even grownup comedians.




Demetri Martin. Like Aziz, Demetri is also adorable and hilarious. I've seen a little of his comedy, and he's clearly a very special talent. But I've never chatted with him.






Charna Halpern, iO theater owner, is someone I know. She was my first big interview at the Bastion. She's teeny tiny in person and very nice but somehow still intimidating. Then again, I'm a dork.





Yanni. What? I've never met this guy. I think he dated Joan Collins or Bo Derek -- no, it was Linda Evans for awhile. But he's never been one of my MySpace friends.








Ew! Who is that ghostly, fug, ginger...oh, wait, that's me. I guess this one popping up when you google my name is the one that makes the most sense.






Jason Bateman*. Never met him. Not to say that I didn't go through a fervent fan letter writing phase when I was young, plying NBC with schmoopy fangirl letters until I received autographed glossies of Bateman and Ricky Schroeder. Ahem. Also, he did great work on the late, great "Arrested Development."





Fred Armisen performed at a People Under the Stares show the Bastion wrote about once. Like everyone else my age, I had a crush on River Phoenix from the time I was about 13, but I never met his ex-girfriend Martha Plimpton.






"Guy on the left"and John Mulaney, who grew up with several people I know here in Chicago. I saw him open for Mike Birbiglia at the Lakeshore, and he was wonderful. He's still quite young but is very talented and moved to New York early. He does stuff on tv, and other stuff.




TJ Miller. Super nice kid. Our first Bastion interview, and Chicago comedy's "most likely to succeed" since well before I came on the scene. He's already jumped the shark, having moved to L.A. to star in ABC's "Carpoolers," and is starring in J.J. Abrams mega budget monster movie"Cloverfield." You'll be seeing more of him.




Mike Burns. Comedian. Clothing designer. Chicagoan turned New Yorker (perhaps soon to turn Angeleno?). I met him at a party once or twice. K-Rock vouches for him. Our big brother the Apiary took our word for his coolness and interviewed him. I hope he'll pop into my show whenever he's in town.



Eugene Mirman and Bobby Tisdale. They run "Invite Them Up" in New York. I interviewed Eugene for the Bastion. He is a total goofball and totally brilliant.






Matt Besser. I mentioned a funny project he did on Bella Rossa right about the time the Apiary's Nate was (unbeknownst to me) reading along and thinking about offering me editorship of the Bastion. Besser cut his teeth on improv here in Chicago and, along with the rest of the UCB, is about to bring some of the best live comedy from both coasts right here to Chicago's Lakeshore Theater, so I'm a big fan.

*EDIT: Not Jason Bateman. Michael Delaney, of the UCB's Swarm. I need new eyeballs. Whatever.

Chicken No More

I did it! Woo!! My stage fright is GONE. Here's the proof.

Thanks again to Brett Snodgrass, the winning bidder of my eBay stage fright auction, who also served as cabbie and cinematographer. (That wasn't actually part of the deal, that was sort of above and beyond the call of eBay - thanks, Brett!) It was nice to have an art director help me figure out the "releasing the stage fright into the universe" thing. We had a cool little private ritual out in the open parking lot behind Bad Dog involving flames, heavily metaphorical objects, and maybe a little pinch of fervently creative magical thinking.

Anyway - here it is, the "put up or shut up" moment:



Yes, I was insanely nervous. Looking at the tape, I can't believe how relaxed and comfortable I seem. So I'd never spoken into a mic before. Whatever. When I stepped offstage, a local producer invited me to perform at a new faces showcase, which I will, after as many open mics as possible. Also, I got a really sweet comment on my blog from the girl who went up after me, also for the first time. I tried to google her, but to no avail. E-mail me, other open mic girl!

I'm going back again on Sunday with probably entirely different jokes. I still like some of the stuff I did last week but some of it is sort of boring to me now, and I've had a ton of new ideas over the past week. Plus, while I like some of the more storytelling-ish ones, they take some time to build, and for the sake of my own nerves, I'd like to get to a bunch right off the bat that have a quicker payoff.

I was on the phone with my mom shortly before the show, and she asked for a word count on the dirty language I planned on using, because, of course, nice boys won't be attracted to me if I use naughty words. (And really, after my show at Second City, you'd think she'd be desensitized to this kind of thing.) I told her I only planned on using one - of course, I was bringing it out of my grandma's mouth in the joke, and it was "bitch." But at the last second, the final joke I had written to include Brett's name (as part of the auction) seemed really clunky and slow, so on the spot I changed the end...and I used the word "ass." Sorry, Mom. I'll do better next time.

The Gratitude Post

Let's call this the "I love my family and friends, and not just because I'm sick" post. (Also, let's call it the longest blog post in the history of time and space. Feel free to simply scroll down, scanning for your own name.)

How sick? "Coughing until I see stars, bedclothes in the laundry because I'm having trouble keeping Pedialite down" sick. Ugh! I'll spare you more details, because that's not the point. The point is, I'm feeling puny, and anxious about my upcoming stand-up debut (and everything else in life), but still okay, because I have such a great network of support around me.

Last night I called my brother feebly begging for a quick pit stop at my building on his way home from work. "Could you maybe bring me some soup, and juice, and kleenex?" He showed up an hour later with five kinds of soup, a gallon of juice, two bottles of Powerade, Pedialite, dried mangoes (which he knows I love), carrot cake (without raisins, which he knows I don't love), a little chocolate Kinder egg, tea, tons of remedies, and several more things I'm probably forgetting. Is that above and beyond the call of duty, or what?

And now, under the influence of DayQuil (I'm a lightweight) a schmoopy tally of some of my family and friends, and the generous and supportive things they've done for me lately:

Sloan, and her non-stop creative flow. She helps me realize and pursue things that would languish in my head and never become reality. She keeps me honest with myself about what I want to do, and holds me to task when I'm retreating out of fear of the unknown.

The approximately twenty members of my family, who showed up in Chicago last weekend to see my show at Second City, and then celebrate for several days afterward. Even my 95-year old great aunt, who sat front row center for all of the dirty jokes, just dipped her little head and giggled when things got racy.

Brett, who bought my stage fright and is helping me think through exactly what the hell I think I'm doing with all of this comedy and writing stuff. Him taking this ridiculousness seriously has made me take it seriously.

Mark, Northwestern's New Media guru and my comedy godfather, who was the first one to push me toward Second City, where he thrived years ago. He is unwavering in his encouragement.

Sharon, my best friend since middle school, the girl who knew me when I was just the awkward dorky girl getting kicked out of Mrs. Goffinett's English class for making everyone laugh, well before any of today's comedy stuff was anything more than a flickering spark in some dark recess of my heart. She's thousands of miles away working for Save the Children in Malawi, Africa, but has been as indispensable a support as friends who live a block away.

Ruth, one of those amazing people that fate pushes into your path at the perfect moment for both of you. She's starting a new life as a writer here in Chicago, too, and has believed in me enough to take me on as a writing partner with her new company. She's also warm and funny and lots of fun.

Karen, a beloved neighbor and friend, who has held my hand through all manner of difficult personal evolution, and who sent me this after seeing my show: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." (Anais Nin)

K-Rock, my sister from another mutha, and possibly the most photogenic person in the universe. Somehow her adorableness is multiplied through the lens of any camera. The internet is a strange and wonderful place, and the way we met is proof of that. I guess I should throw my other Apiary/Bastion siblings in here, because they're pretty great, too. Hear that, Nate and Keith?

Nancy, who has steadied me through lots of self-doubt despite my very spotty attendance at her wonderful writing group, which includes the delightful Nudle. (The writing group folks were the first people who I tested the stage fright auction idea on, and they didn't kick me out or suggest anti-psychotics, for which I will be eternally grateful.)

A variety of blog friends, who have been cheerleading my various creative efforts from afar. They include (but are not limited to) Coaster Punchman, Dale, Chancelucky, and Fizzle and Pop, who unexpectedly beat me to the punch and did stand-up himself last week.

Gotta give props to a wide assortment of comedian friends, who have been encouraging of my long-delayed desire to do stand-up, and have offered to do everything from showing up at my first performance to talking me through jitters on the phone at any hour of the night and day.

Last but not least, I'd like to mention Brandi, another internet/comedy blog friend, who became a real-life friend when she moved to Chicago after a series of e-mails with me and K-Rock. Unbelievably talented and sweet, Brandi almost literally held my hand while I was listing my stage fright on eBay. Without her, I may easily have gotten frustrated with the technology, lost faith in my project, and given up.

I mention Brandi last because I want to give her a special plug. Go here to listen to a couple of her beautiful little musical nuggets. Her song "The Dinosaur" was made internet famous by Said the Gramophone, who was enchanted and speculated that The Gongs (Brandi) must be "three linguistics majors and a physics major."

Her song "I Didn't Try" may be the most beautiful and poignant song I've ever heard, and has become very meaningful to me in many ways. The sadness in that song is bearable only because it was followed up with "Gotta Take Care," which is the "Brandi found her courage and moved to Chicago after all" song. The best line: "I need to be scared sometimes to get anything done."

In summation, I'd like to make the less than original observation that nothing in life that's meaningful and worth doing can be done alone. We need each other to move through life and strive for goals. All of these people (and more) have been helping me. I hope that I'm helping them, too.

For your viewing pleasure, a rockin' video for "The Dinosaur":



...and the baby version, which is even cuter:

Alert the Media! More Dumb Comedy!

New City Chicago has published a little article about my eBay stage fright auction.

Current in Carmel is going to feature a bit about it, as well.

Sloan finished editing our first film project (posted below), which was actually shot in October. It's an eight minute comedy film called "Edgewise," in which I play the an annoying, non-stop chatterbox of a roommate who eventually earns the most permanent kind of eviction from Sloan, who just can't take it anymore. (And also almost have my nose smashed to bits in an outtake.)

As a disclaimer, I'd like to mention that I am a writer first, and an actor...only when there aren't any real actors around. The moment you see me on camera in the first scene is literally the first acting I have ever done in my life, evidenced by the nervous, self-conscious smirk I was trying very hard to control, as well as a dumb, cow-like tendency to look directly at the camera. I have much to learn, should I choose to continue on this path of public foolishness.

And, finally, on a proud auntie note, Sloan is making amazing strides with her editing skills. Look at all the schmancy stuff she did with timing the titles to the music. God, this stuff is fun.

Static: Bear Fat, Lye, and Giant Diaper Pins

An ode to the comic potential of static electricity.

Bear Fat Formula Pantene. Last week at Second City my writing classmates and I were sitting around discussing show issues. I was absent-mindedly stroking my hair with my hands, and all the sudden everyone started pointing and laughing at me. Obviously I had charged myself up powerfully with static electricity, because select strands of my hair were standing on end.

"Maybe I shouldn't wash my hair every day when it's this dry out," I said, embarrassed, trying to tuck my hair into my hood.

"Do you use a moisturizing shampoo and conditioner?" My classmate S. said sympathetically.

"No, I use bear fat and lye, like everyone else, duh," I said, and tried to slick my hair down with a little of nature's smoothing serum (also known as saliva).

"That's not going to do it," someone said, "You need to discharge the static electricity you've built up."

My face was turning red.

"What, like this?" I reached over to the metal railing and let out a high-pitched scream as a sharper-than-expected shock shimmied up my arm. "Oww!!"

Corduroy Depends. The other night, Sloan and I headed to Berlin to get our dance on. I went out in a very long corduroy skirt that is slit on either side up above the knee. (It's one of my favorites - sort of a Madonna/whore skirt. When I'm standing still, it looks long and modest. When I walk or sit just so, it's "legs, legs, legs.")

The air outside was so dry that with every step, the front and back panels of the skirt creeped up and lodged underneath my long heavy coat, and when I wiggled out of my coat, it looked like I was wearing a giant corduroy diaper. Hot.

...Because I Love You Too Much, Baby

We are trucking along nicely with our sketch show at Second City. Here's the perfunctory MySpace page I slapped together for our show, which is now officially called "Brazilian Wax Museum." (An early prototype of our show poster is at left.)

Yesterday we writers sat in the dark at the back of Donny's Skybox, eating M&M's and giggling appreciatively as our director and actors worked on the choreography for our opening song, which is a ridiculous exploration of totally misinformed assertions about South America and its various cultures and traditions. (I know it sounds rip-roaringly hilarious, no? Of course, deconstructing comedy takes all the fun right out, so be happy knowing that you'll be able to see video clips of the show at some point in the near future, and you can see the funny as nature intended.)

Yesterday we also realized that every one of the Lisas in our group (two are actors, one is a writer) are all Lisa Maries, which opens up a lot of questions about the judgment of the parents involved. Yes, we get it folks, Elvis was great, but there are so many ways to go with honoring him with your baby daughter's name. How about Priscilla? Gladys? Yes, Gladys. That's what they should have gone with. The world needs more Gladyses. Gladys'. Wait, how do you pluralize Gladys? Gladysses? Whatever.