Unfortunate Photo Juxtaposition With Dead Author Article

This was in my Google reader just now. Ew!

Palin Oblivious To Turkey Slaughter

You can see turkeys being dipped headfirst into the head-choppy machine behind her as she talks, seemingly oblivious to the carnage behind her. She's spouting the usual "connected phrases that almost seem linear" verbiage. Also, that cameraman should be fired.

Halloween Post #2

Check out Dan doing an entire stand-up set...as a zombie. (Dan, will there be clips up soon?) Truly shiver-inducing.

From his blog entry about his set: "So last Friday's set as Zombie Dan Telfer went crazy well, and it is my understanding that my makeup and tooth-spitting gimmick was so graphic that someone in the audience actually ran out into the rainy streets puking. That is amazing."

Also, at Amazon: The Zen of Zombie: Better Living Through the Undead.

If You Start Me Up, I'll Never Stop

A few days ago I swallowed a battery. Just a little one, mind you. How? That morning I had tucked some ADD med and a cramp pill in the back pocket of my jeans. I won't lie. I was cramping like mean ol' bitch and half-crazy with some ADD symptoms.

I had forgotten that earlier I had also slipped a tiny Tirefly battery into my back pocket, because, nifty though Tireflys are (I wrote about them possibly contributing to my gradual blindness here), one of mine must have a malfunctioning "shut off light when tire stops moving" function, which I attempted to remedy with a quick unscrewing of the top, removal of one battery, and temporarily relocating it in the back pocket of my jeans.

Later that day, bouncing along on the CTA, the cramps and the ADD kicked in at the same time, so, eyes fixed firmly to the middle pages of "Mostly Harmless," I reached into my back pocket, grabbed its contents, slapped them into my yaw, and took a big chug of bottled water.

It's weird, because as the assortment of pills and non-edible items shifted around on my tongue, some vaguely alert part of my brain pinged, and thought, "oh, wait, wait, don't! That's not a pill!" But an ancient, and much dumber part of my brain, responsible for eating and swallowing anything with even a smidgen of nutritional value, got all excited and happy and thought "oh...something smooth and pretty on the tongue -- yum yum DUH eat DUH," and down the gullet it went.

It was kind of like that moment of conflict in your brain when you realize you're locking yourself out of your car or your house: you're looking at your hand, you know you're doing something wrong, and there actually is time to stop it from happening, but you do it anyway.

Before you ask the gross obvious question, no, I haven't been mashing my poo to make sure the battery has completed its voyage through my digestive cycle. But I have been feeling a little extra perky lately. Who says all of our energy should come from traditional food sources?

Ha ha. The Tirefly website says "do not attempt to swallow batteries." I didn't attempt, you monolithic corporate jerk! I succeeded.

EDIT: There is such a thing as the "Battery Ingestion Hotline," and...maybe I actually should call it. We'll see.

Coaster Punchman's Gross Tag

Here's my contribution to the game of gross tag that some of my blog friends (including Coaster Punchman) are enjoying (or not enjoying, as the case may be).

Years ago, when we were kids, my brother dog-sat for the neighbors while they were on vacation. The dog was nervous when the neighbors were gone, and would poo in her indoor concrete-floored kennel instead of going in the yard, as she would when the family was home.

My brother walked into the dog's inside kennel (linked to an easily accessible outdoor run) to find a big pile of sloppy poo, which he would then move to gaggingly clean up, and inevitably throw up in the middle of. (He's always been quite squeamish. Even listening to descriptions of gross things incites his gag reflex. I, on the other hand, can shovel horse poo and change diapers all day with no problem.)

The dog (whose name was Dandy - somehow this is important to the story) would then happily lap up his puke, before he could shakingly run over to clean it up. On each following visit, it would be the same thing all over again, except, of course, after the first time, it was actually his vomit she was pooping each visit, which then inspired his next round of puking.

We still laugh disgustedly at this sometimes, and refer to it as "the circle of life."