Twittering With Creative Friends Can Lead To This...

I Twittered this photo last night at dinner, with the caption "I like my dinner like I like my men - stabbed all the way through with frilly toothpicks.":















And then my friend Noah (who I know through Bryan) drew this:

See You When I See You

Lately I've been doing a lot less blogging that usual, partly because of the advent of Facebook and Twitter. Also, the world is changing, and I'm changing with it. My obligations and priorities are shifting. I'm getting more opportunities to do different kinds of things, and making clearer choices about what to invest my time in. I've also been slowing down to deal with some health issues - nothing life-threatening but still serious. This seems like more of a time for doing and less for reflecting.

Things are so crazy right now. We're still mired in this stupid, horrible war. Military suicides are skyrocketing. We've dug ourselves into a deep hole. The economy is a mess. We have a long, tough road ahead and a lot of serious challenges to step up to.

While oil companies are making plenty of money, the United States Postal Service is so broke it might have to cut out one day of mail delivery. That's like finding out they're going to move Sunday morning Mass to Tuesday mornings at the American Legion.

Jobless rates in Illinois are so high, there aren't enough people in the unemployment office to answer the phones. Almost 65,000 people called Monday, and over 57,000 on Tuesday.

A 14-year old kid successfully faked being a Chicago cop. The police spokesman described the situation using the unfortunate phrase "we dodged a bullet."

Not to mention Blagojevich, who, the day we unanimously kicked him out of office, told us (the people of Illinois) that he loves us now more than ever.

Hmm...I'm not really coming up with a nice wrap-up sentence for this post. I guess I'm just acknowledging that things are changing, and so am I. Blog atcha later!

(Also, at least one thing will always be true. Cute things rule. Photo from Cute Overload.)

Frozen Chicago Playground on Tiltshift Maker

Put your own photos in the Tiltshift Maker to make your photos look like miniatures.

Check out my snow-covered playground pic, all tiltified.

Link from BoingBoing.

New Bella Rossa Header!

Yeah, so I put together a new header for my blog up there, using Apple's Comic Life (which is super fun) and a bunch of my favorite performance photos from the past few months. It was really hard to narrow down my choices because I have a million favorites, but I made sure I had my boyfriend, roommates, myself, and my co-producer Dan represented, and those plus a few other faves ended up with the lineup you see above.

From left to right: Bryan Bowden as Timekeeper Willis, Nellie Huggins as a bunch of grapes, me squinting in the harsh glare of the spotlight, Andrew DeWitt (and a Don't Spit the Water audience contestant), James Fritz and Bill Cruz enjoying a laugh, Teresa Lemaire as the Undead Bride, Peter Kremidas in an Impress These Apes performance, and my ChUC cohort Dan Telfer doing stand-up in character as a creepy, blood-and-tooth-spitting zombie. Yay for a little blog makeover!

Bigger, Better, Faster ElizabethMcQuern.com

Updated my professional website over the weekend. Added new writing, photo, and video clips, new testimonials, and a denser front page. Check it out!

Dear Trolls: Hating Me Doesn't Make Faggots Ungay, or a Black President White

There are a few readers of my blog who pop in occasionally to obsessively read me (though they seem to hate me) and/or leave vaguely-to-extremely negative or passive-aggressive comments which -- when are you going to figure this out? -- I'm never going to publish. (For those of my friends warning me not to publish this post, you should see some of these comments. They range from annoying to disturbing.)

Obviously, you don't like me. I don't know why, because you don't know me, you just read my blog. Maybe I've been making it easier on you lately because I openly admire our President-Elect. Yeah, what a horrible bitch I am, feeling energizing hope and love for my country, and more connected to my fellow citizens through the influence of my state's Senator, and now our President-Elect, Barack Obama. (Yeah, he's our PRESIDENT now, pretty great, huh? Say it with me: PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA. He's your President, too. How about that?)

Or maybe you hate me because, though I'm a certified hetero myself, I love the faggots and the dykes, and I keep talking about how I'm marching for their rights and whatever. Yeah, I said it. HOMOSEXUALS. They are in my family (gasp!) and in my circle of friends (clutch the pearls!) and I CARE ABOUT THEIR RIGHTS. AND I LOVE THEM. DEAL.

Seriously. Why do you keep coming back? Why do you give a shit? Hating me doesn't make faggots ungay, or make a black President white, if that's what you're going for. Newsflash #1 - I'm nobody, in the grand scheme of things. And you, commenting anonymously and angrily on my blog...what does that make you?

News flash #2 - I know who you are. A) I have a Sitemeter, and B) I'm not an idiot. I know your ISP address, your country, your city, the business or university you are associated with, blah blah et cetera. You're not invisible.

News flash #3 - You can read my blog to your heart's content, but I will continue to delete your comments, and I just wanted to acknowledge that YOU ARE BEING OBSERVED AS WELL, and that you are kind of a pussy.

Wanna make it more fair? How about you send me a link to your blog, which features your real name, where you honestly share thoughts and ideas and talk about things that are really important to you, so you're not just some anonymous coward. No? Don't have the balls? Didn't think so.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Chicagoan - The Bastion of Yesteryear ::wink::

This is amazing!! "He quickly realized that he had stumbled upon a Chicago counterpart to the New Yorker that mysteriously had slipped through the cracks of history and memory." The Chicagoan! Why did I have a weird deja vu when I read that? Oh, yeah.

NASA wants you to drink your own pee.

UK local governments are using anti-terror spying abilities to catch people who put out their trash too early and paperboys who ditch rather than deliver advertising circulars. What a great reason to rewrite the law and restrict people's freedoms and privacy!

God's Facebook wall. "Adam is FIRST! You and Adam are now friends."

Bunnies in ice cream cones earrings!

Entertaining Links, Reflections on Spam Culture, and Yes, Obama

If you haven't checked out passiveaggressivenotes.com, you should. It's hilarious. Passive aggressive notes from roommates, ex-roommates, co-workers, cranky grandmas, and even God! I had no idea that office kitchens and fridges were such hot spots for interpersonal conflict!

From techradar.com: Spam gets 1 response per 12,500,000 emails. Out of 350 million spam emails, 28 result in sales. "Yet even with this apparently abysmal response rate of less than 0.00001 per cent, the researchers still estimate that the controllers of a network the size of Storm are still bringing in about $7,000 (£4,430) a day or $3.5m (£2.21m) over a year."

Live puppy cam is the most popular livestreaming webcam ever! Puppies for everyone!

My friend Daisy Mertzel, who is a producer and videographer, made a video of her excursion to Grant Park last week on Election Day. Daisy, who my parents would probably like to adopt into our family, is amazing with man on the street stuff. She didn't just take videos and pictures, she interviewed people, asking them what "hope" means to them, and why they think Obama's election is a turning point in American history:

YouTube Comment of the Day

Rockin' The Mic!

So much for retiring from stand-up comedy. Tomorrow night I will be doing stand-up at the Lincoln Lodge's 9:00 PM Comcast comedy show taping - mostly because it's going to get me on television, and because 5 or 6 of my friends will be there to boost my confidence with their drunken laughter.

If things go the way I want them to, it'll be the last time I get onstage, so don't miss your chance to see me spaz my way through what will surely someday be considered a legendary evening of comedic mishaps.

I must be especially mediagenic these days. Chicago Magazine named me as the editor of one of Chicago's best web sites, my comedy blog The Bastion. They also plugged my personal blog, Bella Rossa.

In other fun media news, Nellie and Sloan are now both posting on Chicago Metroblog, along with Bryan and Fuzzy and Dan. Bryan used Metroblog to post some cool photos he took from my place (like the one at left; more on a flickr set here), where I have a tiny amount of living space but a beautiful view of Lake Michigan, which is truly otherworldly and breathtaking when frozen.

Halloween Post #1

Jim Fath, who has performed at my show as part of Hey You Millionaires, is going crazy with videos on Phat Phree. Here's his "Ultimate 11 Halloween Houses," featuring "The house where the guy jumps out and scares the sh*t out of you":



Among the other eleven is this one, featuring my Underground co-producer Dan "Creepyface" Telfer:



Oh, and speaking of Dan, who's doing an entire upcoming set as a zombie, there's this: the Emergency Zombie Defense Station.

Dear Readers, Where Did You Come From, and Where Did You Go?

For some reason, I have a lot of fans in Italy and France who read me frequently. Hi, Europe!

People at NASA, The Smithsonian, American Airlines, and the US Navy also check in with me regularly, as well as someone from the Information Services Division in Alabama. Shame on you! You should all be working, instead of spending time here! Of course, so should I. But seriously, spaceships and submarines are so much more important than me and my blatherings. Get back to work.

Today I nabbed a reader from "National Geographic Society, Room 272." That's cool. But it makes me wonder, what do the jerks in Rooms 1-271 have against me?

Someone at Tulane University in New Orleans used to read me nearly every day, and then, after Katrina, never came back. I sometimes wonder what happened to that person and what the storm did to their life. I hope it was a student who graduated and went on to start a happy adult life.

Here's my favorite. Playboy Enterprises in Chicago checks me out from time to time. Maybe they're scoping for a "Naked Women of Comedy" pictorial. You will never see my boobs! Never! Well, unless you get me really drunk and giggly. Anything could happen then.

I'm Quitting the Internet

Edit: I did something constructive with my annoyance. I called for more contributors...again. And I can't believe this, but I told my readers to choke down a bottle of "Chill The F*ck" out pills. But in a funny, loving way.

Ever feel like quitting the entire internet? There is some volatile crap blowing up on the Bastion today. 77 inflamed comments and counting. I wonder if any of these people who are so full of criticism and anger have any idea that I put hundreds of hours of work into this as a labor of love, and that I'm routinely bombed with more e-mail requests for reviews and listings than I could ever possibly keep up with. Infrequently (but sometimes) people are actually pissy with me about not being able to see and review their shows, which is unfathomable to me.

Guess what, rare but bothersome jerkasses? I'd love to a have a New York Times-sized staff, and be able to offer exhaustive coverage of every single show going on in Chicago, so that you don't feel like, by virtue of not being written about, you're being snubbed.

I keep looking for more writers, but even people who are willing are busy, and until that dream team of Pulitzer Prize winners is in place behind MacBooks in my swank high-rise offices, it's me and Kristy running the show, and I also have a job, and friends and family and a life, so piss off.

Also, we're a blog, which is an opinion-based medium. We can actually write about whatever we want. And P.S., anyone can start a blog. The medium is wild, wooly, lawless frontier. Please feel free to start your own, and write about the things you think should be written about.

Sigh. Sorry. So inappropriate. As a palate cleanser, a pit bull playing with baby chicks:

Friday Friend Frappe

Time to plug some writing friends!

First, my new friend Donna Kozik, a much-published author and copywriter who edits some of the publications I write for, and who has trained me as a proofreader, is going to be featured on NPR's Marketplace today, talking about the value of virtual assistants. Fellow NPR nerds know that Marketplace is an American Public Radio production, and you can find out when your local station airs that show by clicking here.

Ever since I embarked on my terrifying but thrilling writerly journey here in the big city, I've been getting an invaluable amount of support and advice from a friend back in Indiana, self-described "writer, copyeditor, kid wrangler" Manda Newlin.

Manda has helped me navigate the wilds of freelance journalism and corporate communications, and, in turn, I've been advising her as she's taken her first few steps into the frontiers of blogging. Clearly, I'm getting the better end of the deal. Anyway, check out her writing-oriented blog, Words Count, where she showcases her wonderful sense of humor.

Then there's my new blog-quaintance, Canadian writer Carmi Levy, who pens Written Inc., a marvelously well-written and fascinating blog about his travels and observations as a journalist. (I found him through my friend Dale.) He seems to jet to all four corners of the globe every week, snapping great pictures and sharing sharp and poignant observations along the way. You would be forgiven for being a bit envious that his life includes an amazing job, lots of travel, and a beautiful family as well.

In Carmi's own words, "I am a journalist who observes the world from the perimeter before picking up my pen and describing what I see. No more, no less. I believe strongly in random acts of kindness, and know we can all do a better job making our planet a happier place to live. Call me an idealist, but I believe words can help make that happen."

Swooning Bloops

Is this technically a fetish? Here's a website archiving very specific scenes in movies - where a man is carrying a woman. A woman who is in peril/incapacitated/all swoony and crap. There are lots of pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. What is this about, exactly? I'm pretty sure it's the website you click on right before you go looking for ones about rape fantasies. That's just the feeling I get.






What the haytch is this thing, the "Bloop," lumbering beneath the sea in a terrifying indeterminate slumber, making noises that naval technology can't make sense of? Is it Cthulhu? Is it a spaceship? Is it a gigantowhale? And listen to this official government recording of this almost immeasurably deep burble in the mysterious depths. Shudder.

Shout Out!

The Depths of Humor, a big cover article about the Chicago stand-up scene, published last week in NewCity Chicago, says "One of the reasons for Chicago stand-up's re-emergence in the past year is a local blog called The Bastion, started in July of 2006, that covers all comedy in Chicago, including stand-up." I will now take a bow and thank you all very much. I love it when print media shares the cool table with us, if only for one lunch period. Now back to the A/V lab with me.

I have family in town and a million things going on, so to round out this post, here's an amusing video. "Terry Tate, Office Linebacker." Call it unconventional management, but it's one way to keep cubicle-dwellers on their toes. You've got to do something to spur productivity. If you'd like to learn more about Terry Tate's best practices, check out his adventures in sensitivity training.

The Internet Is a Useful Thing (For Once)

*My blog bud Collin over at Fizzle and Pop has started doing graphic design tutorials and putting them on his blog, explaining and demystifying the creative process as he goes. So cool! Of course, as you already know, I'm all about artists making the creative process transparent online, but I think this is especially cool. Once again, I have to ask: why aren't more people doing stuff like this? Imagine the practical and specialized knowledge that could be dispersed to all corners of the globe.



*My brother Andrew got a little industry attention for his Chicago Olympic direction efforts. Supposedly there's going to be something about him coming up in the Trib, as well.

*The Gongs, AKA my darling friend Brandi, are (is?) getting even more internet famous, thanks to the enchanting and infectious "The Dinosaur." First, there was the mention on Said The Gramophone. "So who are these people? Who are The Gongs? Let's make it up: they're three linguistics majors and a physics major. They're all taking a class on dinosaurs, because they like them. And they all have to do a presentation before the class on the subject of dinosaurs. And as they're meeting at the library one day the physics dude - who is a music-head, a dandelion, a wannabe indiepop star, - he convinces the linguistics girls to do a song..."

Now, The Stypod hearts "The Dinosaur" as well. "The dinosaur of the Gongs’s 'The Dinosaur' is a similarly peaceful creature: he 'won’t eat your friends' because 'he loves you'; he’ll even 'cook the food for the barbecue in your backyard.' Like those who explore the damp, tangled forests of the Congo, the Gongs—a girl named Brandi who doesn’t play a gong—are believers, and their work is a movement of faith. Both believe in the persistence of the past: certain things, they insist, certain things last, whether it is a creature whom extinction forgot or a childhood fantasy that never faded away..."

And approaching 3000 people have seen this cute video that a teenage girl made of her cat, set to a soundtrack of...yes, "The Dinosaur." AND, another popular music blog, catbirdseat, put "The Dinosaur" on the april 2007 mix and there's some more love here. And my friend Dan, who tells a dinosaur joke from time to time, is using the song on his MySpace.

*Also, this simply must be posted. Have you ever seen anything so awesome? That little tortoise is a bad ass hard-shelled little dude.

The Gratitude Post

Let's call this the "I love my family and friends, and not just because I'm sick" post. (Also, let's call it the longest blog post in the history of time and space. Feel free to simply scroll down, scanning for your own name.)

How sick? "Coughing until I see stars, bedclothes in the laundry because I'm having trouble keeping Pedialite down" sick. Ugh! I'll spare you more details, because that's not the point. The point is, I'm feeling puny, and anxious about my upcoming stand-up debut (and everything else in life), but still okay, because I have such a great network of support around me.

Last night I called my brother feebly begging for a quick pit stop at my building on his way home from work. "Could you maybe bring me some soup, and juice, and kleenex?" He showed up an hour later with five kinds of soup, a gallon of juice, two bottles of Powerade, Pedialite, dried mangoes (which he knows I love), carrot cake (without raisins, which he knows I don't love), a little chocolate Kinder egg, tea, tons of remedies, and several more things I'm probably forgetting. Is that above and beyond the call of duty, or what?

And now, under the influence of DayQuil (I'm a lightweight) a schmoopy tally of some of my family and friends, and the generous and supportive things they've done for me lately:

Sloan, and her non-stop creative flow. She helps me realize and pursue things that would languish in my head and never become reality. She keeps me honest with myself about what I want to do, and holds me to task when I'm retreating out of fear of the unknown.

The approximately twenty members of my family, who showed up in Chicago last weekend to see my show at Second City, and then celebrate for several days afterward. Even my 95-year old great aunt, who sat front row center for all of the dirty jokes, just dipped her little head and giggled when things got racy.

Brett, who bought my stage fright and is helping me think through exactly what the hell I think I'm doing with all of this comedy and writing stuff. Him taking this ridiculousness seriously has made me take it seriously.

Mark, Northwestern's New Media guru and my comedy godfather, who was the first one to push me toward Second City, where he thrived years ago. He is unwavering in his encouragement.

Sharon, my best friend since middle school, the girl who knew me when I was just the awkward dorky girl getting kicked out of Mrs. Goffinett's English class for making everyone laugh, well before any of today's comedy stuff was anything more than a flickering spark in some dark recess of my heart. She's thousands of miles away working for Save the Children in Malawi, Africa, but has been as indispensable a support as friends who live a block away.

Ruth, one of those amazing people that fate pushes into your path at the perfect moment for both of you. She's starting a new life as a writer here in Chicago, too, and has believed in me enough to take me on as a writing partner with her new company. She's also warm and funny and lots of fun.

Karen, a beloved neighbor and friend, who has held my hand through all manner of difficult personal evolution, and who sent me this after seeing my show: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." (Anais Nin)

K-Rock, my sister from another mutha, and possibly the most photogenic person in the universe. Somehow her adorableness is multiplied through the lens of any camera. The internet is a strange and wonderful place, and the way we met is proof of that. I guess I should throw my other Apiary/Bastion siblings in here, because they're pretty great, too. Hear that, Nate and Keith?

Nancy, who has steadied me through lots of self-doubt despite my very spotty attendance at her wonderful writing group, which includes the delightful Nudle. (The writing group folks were the first people who I tested the stage fright auction idea on, and they didn't kick me out or suggest anti-psychotics, for which I will be eternally grateful.)

A variety of blog friends, who have been cheerleading my various creative efforts from afar. They include (but are not limited to) Coaster Punchman, Dale, Chancelucky, and Fizzle and Pop, who unexpectedly beat me to the punch and did stand-up himself last week.

Gotta give props to a wide assortment of comedian friends, who have been encouraging of my long-delayed desire to do stand-up, and have offered to do everything from showing up at my first performance to talking me through jitters on the phone at any hour of the night and day.

Last but not least, I'd like to mention Brandi, another internet/comedy blog friend, who became a real-life friend when she moved to Chicago after a series of e-mails with me and K-Rock. Unbelievably talented and sweet, Brandi almost literally held my hand while I was listing my stage fright on eBay. Without her, I may easily have gotten frustrated with the technology, lost faith in my project, and given up.

I mention Brandi last because I want to give her a special plug. Go here to listen to a couple of her beautiful little musical nuggets. Her song "The Dinosaur" was made internet famous by Said the Gramophone, who was enchanted and speculated that The Gongs (Brandi) must be "three linguistics majors and a physics major."

Her song "I Didn't Try" may be the most beautiful and poignant song I've ever heard, and has become very meaningful to me in many ways. The sadness in that song is bearable only because it was followed up with "Gotta Take Care," which is the "Brandi found her courage and moved to Chicago after all" song. The best line: "I need to be scared sometimes to get anything done."

In summation, I'd like to make the less than original observation that nothing in life that's meaningful and worth doing can be done alone. We need each other to move through life and strive for goals. All of these people (and more) have been helping me. I hope that I'm helping them, too.

For your viewing pleasure, a rockin' video for "The Dinosaur":



...and the baby version, which is even cuter:

Sloan's First Draft

Sloan has posted her first effort toward this parallel book project I mentioned. It's about her adventures in apartment living, take one. It's especially apt since right now she's apartment hunting for the first time in over five years. This time she's savvy enough to look at place after place before making a decision. The first time around? Not so much.

"...no, I would find the most pest infested, overpriced, code-violating pile of bricks within city limits. Well, to be honest, I didn’t set out with such lofty goals in mind, but had I known this was to be the plan all along, I could have saved myself a lot of runaround."

She called me from work yesterday to breathlessly tell me that, after sending out a blanket e-mail to family and friends announcing the first installment of the project, she managed to snag over 1300 visitors to her website. A rather amazing start to a project I'm excited to see take shape.

Also, last night, she gathered some accommodating friends from work, borrowed a friend's home, and shot her first horror short. She had read about twelve new books about film and technique before plotting this one out, including David Mamet's "On Directing Film," which gave her a ton of new ideas about montage and subtlety (not the tomato-throwing montage subtlety she's already mastered), so I'm thrilled to see how this one turns out.

It's A Blog World After All

Despite the fact that I am not a teenybopper looking for makeout partners, and through some strange agent of fate (let's call her K-Rock) I have been dragged into the world of MySpace. I can't believe it, either. I'm telling myself that I'm doing it for Chicago comedy, which makes it okay. Also, it is sort of nice to think I've gained 112 friends in the last two days, even though none of them really know who I am, outside of being the editor of the Bastion.

Gossip blogger, self-proclaimed gay activist (more like witch-hunting de-closeter) and all around annoying self-promoter Perez Hilton is being sued for several million dollars by photo agencies. Anyone else remember when he actually just blogged about celebrity gossip, and didn't insert himself into every story and plaster his own smug face all over every post? Things change so quickly in the blogosphere.

Speaking of grating public personalities named Hilton, Paris Hilton's publicist would like you to know that she has trouble keeping cupcakes out of her nose. That's the best explanation for white powder around the nostrils that I've ever heard!

Tucker Max has landed a sitcom deal based on his tales of jerkery. Bloggers around the world wrap scarves around their faces and claim to know nothing about HTML.

Oh, and I have a new motto that I'm living my life by now. Ready for it? It's brilliant: "Bring your own snacks." Literally and otherwise, I've found this to be the key to happiness. Be responsible for your own experience. Think ahead about what you're going to need in life to be happy and satiated. Don't waste money on flashy $6 Starbucks sandwiches when a little baggie of pistachios and dried cranberries and will do you even better. Bring your own snacks!