Things I Learned This Week at Work

Some lessons you only need to learn once. Here's what I learned at my current working-class girl job this week:

#1. Never sit down with a box cutter in your back pocket. Duh.

#2. If you swing a plastic bag of garbage upwards into a trash bin hard enough, and you've packed too much heavy stuff into the bag, and you underestimate the increased upper body strength your new weight-training regime has afforded you, you can actually watch the handle snap off in your hand too late to realize you're about to punch yourself in the eye.

#3. Laughing with your co-workers is a requirement for getting through any kind of work day. The more laughter, the better. This is especially easy to achieve if you perform frequent acts of hilarity like punching yourself in the eye while tossing trash bags.

Rosie O'Donnell to Join "The View"

Maybe she can help keep Star Jones from strangling Joy Behar. Although I personally would find it entertaining if Joy gave Star a beatdown. Anyway, Rosie is going to replace Meredith Vieira on "The View," as Vieira escapes Barbara Walters' clutches and flees to replace Katie Couric on the "Today Show," where she will earn kajillions of dollars and never have to listen to the nonsensical ramblings of Elisabeth Hasselbeck ever again. Good for her.

"I'm at the corner of Gay and Indian!"

Last night after work I walked about two miles to my cousin's house for dinner. Along the way I kept having a cramp in my left calf, right behind the knee. I stopped to stretch it several times but it kept getting worse, and about a quarter mile from her house I finally stopped to call her and ask for a ride.

"Okay, I'll come get you," she said. "Where are you, exactly?"

"Um, I don't know, I can't see the street signs from where I am right now."

"Well, what stores do you see?"

"Er, there's a 'leather accessories' store next to a gay bar, and then there's an Indian barber shop and a Pakistani grocery store."

This kind of diversity is one of the great things about Chicago, and my neighborhood in particular. You can be on a street full of Ethiopian conversations, turn the corner and be surrounded by Chinese and Korean culture, and then walk into a neighborhood of Venezuelan, Mexican, and Peruvian restaurants.

"So I guess I'm at the corner of Gay and Indian," I told my cousin.

"Oh, I know exactly where you are," she said. "I'll be right there."

Scamming For Morons

First, there was the finger-in-the-chili-at-Wendy's scam. So, your friend loses a finger in a work-related accident, and you're a slimy opportunist, and you spot a good chance to score some big dough (and then you get totally busted). Fine.

But intentionally swallowing glass so you can extort hotels and restaurants? Cuh-RAZY.

And then, faking a pregnancy with SIX babies to score free appliances and public sympathy? And expecting to be able to continue to get away with it? Extra, extra dumb.

Yet both happened.

Anyone feel like lighting themselves on fire and suing the smoke detector company? I've got matches!

Sometimes the Posts Need No Embellishment

A Salvadoran woman was detained after she tried to smuggle a military grenade and marijuana hidden in her vagina into the country's main prison, authorities said Wednesday.

(Via SFGate)

David Copperfield Robbed at Gunpoint

He can make the Statue of Liberty disappear, and convince the world he's actually in a relationship with Claudia Schiffer, but fending off three mug-minded teenagers is too much? Wuss.

Don't Question Her Commitment To Sparkle Motion

Little Samantha Darko is all grown up, and has her own blog. Well, okay, she's actually just fifteen, but here's actress Daveigh Chase: Daveigh's Days... the Official Journal.

Extra Weird, With A Side of "Huh?"

I took a ninety-minute shore trail walk last night with a friend, talking like mad the whole way. The fresh air must have done strange things to my mind, because I had the weirdest series of dreams I've had in a long time.

#1 - I was a caretaker in a Mexican orphanage (despite speaking no Spanish). A sick Lex Luthor was there, incognito, and I was trying to make him well while fending off his enemies (and yet not letting him know I knew who he was) and take care of six little Mexican kids at the same time. Then Diego Luno showed up, and took over my shift.

#2 - I was watching a bootleg video of Britney Spears'
birthday party, wherein she rode around a big pool in her backyard on a
retro-style pink bike with her infant son in her lap (no bike seat or
anything), while her stupid relatives and friends stood around eating
pigs in a blanket and talking about how pretty Britney was as she
crashed her
bike repeatedly into large potted plants. Then I was not watching a
video, but present at the event, and I noticed that brilliant Britney
had hired wild animals to sit around her vast, over-landscaped back
yard to amuse the partygoers. There was a lion with three cubs, two
cougars, and two black bears. I was just beginning to think what
incredibly bad nouveau-riche judgement this was when a cougar launched
onto the leg of a girl standing next to me. She screamed in terror and
I bonked the cougar on the head and pulled the girl inside the house,
where I spent the rest of the dream keeping black bears out of the
house and protecting my cat Calpurnia, who was mysteriously also a
guest at the party.

#3 - Then I was in a tourist attraction cave with my mom and two other family
members, near the top, when the roof started to cave in. I yelled
quickly that everyone needed to get out, and we ran toward the exit,
practically carrying my mom. As we approached the entrance I looked
back and realized three little children had been trampled in the panic,
and my mom grabbed a bike pump and we restored them to perfect health.
I also picked up a lost little toddler girl named Ebony who was
carrying two little plastic ponies, and kept her calm until we got her
outside and
returned her to her mother. As it turned out, her mother had dropped
her off and left her there for the whole day, and had no idea of the
roof collapse, and so never said "Thank you" to me, which made me
angry. When we got outside, we were at a gas station where people
traded in their cars for old trail horses, and we rode them home.

Maybe I'm developing a savior complex. Or I need to adopt a Mexican orphan. In any case, "whuh??"

1420-Calorie Hamburger

Thanks, Hardees! You're helping make America's slide into immobilizing obesity and premature death even easier - and tastier!

(Hardee's) Monster Thickburger has 1,420 calories and 107 grams of fat. Overall, Hardee's offers five sandwiches with more than 1,000 calories.

"What's next — a pork chop on top?" CSPI senior nutritionist Jayne Hurley asked. "I'm always amazed — they can always go one step further than I can imagine."

As usual, Hardee's makes no apologies.

"We have salads on our menu, we have charbroiled chicken breast and a variety of low-carb options," Haley said. "But we don't see anything wrong with making the delicious, decadent burger available to people who want it.

(Via AP)

I'm sure little Sandhya in her barren hut in Bhopal would raise her arms and rejoice in the knowledge that our freedom affords us so many consumer choices. That is, if she had the strength to do so.

Happy Birthday, Snuppy!

The world's first cloned puppy, an afghan named Snuppy (which stands for Seoul National University Puppy), is celebrating his first birthday. Snuppy is healthy and weighs in at about 64 pounds, perhaps a bit more after his birthday treat of ice cream and sausages. Of course I have ethical and moral concerns about cloning, but that's not Snuppy's fault. And the fact that he might represent the destruction of the eternal soul doesn't diminish his adorableness one little bit.

(Via CNN)

Hitler's Grand Nephews Live Quiet Life on Long Island

I've read about this before, and it's fascinating. The New York Times has a new article about Hitler's grand-nephews, who grew up on Long Island like all-American kids.

"I remember the boys had a toy battleship they called the Bismarck that they would float in their blow-up pool in the backyard. Once, they lit it on fire somehow, and I have this vivid memory of them all yelling, 'The Bismarck is sinking.' "

I've read about this before, and it's fascinating. The New York Times has a new article about Hitler's grand-nephews, who grew up on Long Island like all-American kids.

"I remember the boys had a toy battleship they called the Bismarck that they would float in their blow-up pool in the backyard. Once, they lit it on fire somehow, and I have this vivid memory of them all yelling, 'The Bismarck is sinking.' "

"No, he wasn’t gay. He was Italian."

In class today, somewhere in the post-reading discussion of my sketch, someone made the comment, about one of my characters: "He's not gay. He's Italian."

Then I read on the new (but oddly familiar) New York Overheard:

Girl #1: He was wearing clear nail polish.
Girl #2: Ew. But maybe he was gay.
Girl #1: No, he wasn’t gay. He was Italian.

–40th & Broadway

Overheard by: Julie Jetson

Robot Chicken, Part II, Synchonicity Boogaloo

(I know, the "_____ Part II: Electric Boogaloo" joke has been done to death. I still like it. Sue me.)

Last weekend, 'round about the time I was blogging about analyzing the story structure of Seth Green's magnificent "Robot Chicken," a friend of mine met Seth Green in Las Vegas. My friend acted as my proxy and approached Seth to say "Hey, man, I wanted you to know I love Robot Chicken." And Seth said "Thanks." And then my friend tried to make out with Seth Green. Okay, that part's not true. My friend is quite a sturdy fella, and Seth Green is a tiny cutie, and that would have been very weird. But that's what I would have done if I had been there.

"Robot
Chicken" Season One, Disk Two just arrived in my mailbox yesterday, and
I'd be all over it right now, but for my Mama visiting for the weekend.
(Something tells me she wouldn't share my enthusiasm for Nostalgic
Action Figure Theatre.)

Also, in imaginative animation news, I'm also enjoying a bit of "Rex the Runt,"
thanks to the recommendation of another friend. Or, as I kept
mistakenly calling it, "Runt Rocket." Every time this friend and I sit
down and brainstorm about creative projects we'd like to start
together, we always end up taking about claymation,
which is about the most labor-intensive thing you can do. She and a
friend did a little two-minute claymation project once, and it took
hours and hours and hours to make all the minute changes to create the
scene.

Reminds me of the little bits at the end of "Moral Orel," which are little Orel's own stop-motion projects, and very funny. Hey, if a puppet can do stop-motion, why couldn't I?

You Broke Your Little Ships

OMG, they're making a new Star Trek movie set for release in 2008! From Reuters:

The as-yet-untitled "Star Trek" feature, the 11th since
1979, is aiming for a fall 2008 release through Paramount
Pictures, the Viacom Inc. unit looking to restore its
box-office luster under new management, the trade paper said.

Does it seem like William Shatner (L, of course, with Leonard Nimoy) is starting to look like a smug tortoise?

Also, in the spirit of random fun, some random kid playing both Patrick Stewart and Alfre Woodard's parts in the "Captain Picard Freaks Out Over Borg Trauma" scene from "Star Trek:First Contact," which, yes, I have seen a kajillion times.(From a link from the Onion.)

Crimes of Fashion

Jessica Simpson is being sued by her own clothing label for $100 million, for failing to publicly promote them as agreed.

Melanie Griffith is being sued for refusing to pay for almost $25,000 worth of Golden Globes finery.

And yet no legal steps can be taken to restrain Sally Kirkland?

RIP Scott Crossfield

If you grew up in an aviation family like I did, you read Chuck Yeager's biography at least twice, saw "The Right Stuff" as many times as you saw "Airplane," and you darn well know who Scott Crossfield was. He was a hot dog test pilot who played Mach-tag with Chuck Yeager for years. Yeager hit Mach 1, Crossfield hit Mach 2, Yeager hit Mach 2.1, and so on.

Scotty flew almost all of the experimental planes that were tested at Edwards AFB, including performing amazing things in the X-15, the first rocket-powered plane, which was particularly dangerous and unstable because it was pretty much full on, or full off.

He died alone in a single engine aircraft this week, a Cessna 210A, to be exact. RIP, Scotty.

Nerd Cakes

Nerdy and sweet...just like me. MMmmmm.

Skinny Japanese Kid, 100-Pound Woman Are World Competitive Eating Champions

From the Atlantic article "Horsemen of the Esophagus:"

"Ten years ago the image of the Virgin Mary
appeared on a grilled-cheese sandwich in the frying pan of Diana
Duyser, a Florida jewelry designer. Now She is here, in Venice Beach,
to preside over the World Grilled Cheese Eating Championship."

That competition was won by the fearsome Takera Kobayahi. But he didn't stop there. From the website for the International Federation of Competitive Eating:

From the Atlantic article "Horsemen of the Esophagus:"

"Ten years ago the image of the Virgin Mary
appeared on a grilled-cheese sandwich in the frying pan of Diana
Duyser, a Florida jewelry designer. Now She is here, in Venice Beach,
to preside over the World Grilled Cheese Eating Championship."

That competition was won by the fearsome Takera Kobayahi. But he didn't stop there. From the website for the International Federation of Competitive Eating:

City of Big Shoulders

The origin of Chicago's nickname "the Windy City" is obvious enough. That origin almost blew me into the lake Sunday morning as I sped along the bike trail.*

"City of Big Shoulders" puzzled me, though. And it's one of those things I would think about from time to time and forget to google once I got to a computer.

Turns out it's from Carl Sandburg's poem "Chicago," and it refers to the manly physiques of the hard laborers of his day. I guess that theory about cold winters and big coats didn't make all that much sense anyway.

"Hog Butcher for the World,
Tool Maker, Stacker of Wheat,
Player with Railroads and the Nation's Freight Handler;
Stormy, husky, brawling,
City of the Big Shoulders"

*As my friend Leigh (now a member of the Second City Conservatory, woo woo!) has gently informed me, the origin of the nickname "the Windy City" is more complicated than just a reference to weather conditions. Several relevent links, well, contribute to my confusion. Anyway.

Mars Orbiter - Death By Metrics

Lockheed Martin used meters and kilograms, and the NASA team used feet and pounds.

Result: $125 million spacecraft hit the planet and blew apart.

Dudes:
1 pound of force = 0.225 newtons
4.448 pounds of force= 1 newton

Keep Katie Quiet

Katie Holmes has given birth to...whatever it is she's been stuffing under her shirt for the past twelve months. (Doesn't it seem like it's been that long?) The real question is, did she keep silent while birthing? Who knows. But this Katie Holmes Birth Simulator game is pretty funny.

A Day of Firsts, and Jesus, in the Meat, Lingering on Two Morsels of Wood

Years ago on Easter, when Babelfish Translator first came on line, a friend and I amused ourselves by running familiar religious phrases and quotes back and forth through different languages, and watching the original meaning fall apart.

The best bit: at one point we were left with mentions of "Jesus, in the meat, lingering on two morsels of wood."

We made ourselves laugh like mad (and also created an unsettling underlying feeling that that's probably what happens every time religious ideas get translated and retranslated in different languages).

But this is not a post about doubt. It's about Easter. And Spring.

Yesterday, on the way over to my cousins' for Easter brunch, I passed a Catholic church just as Easter mass was letting out, and little boys in lavender ties and little girls in yellow dresses were streaming out the front doors. It looked all family-oriented, and cute, and the kids had happy, expectant looks on their faces. Thus I experienced the first pangs of Catholic guilt of spring. I keep
saying I'm going to start attending mass nearby, and so far I've only
gone once (but I gave blood...I gave blood!).

Yesterday I enjoyed the first major bike ride of spring, heading south
on the lakeside trail all the way down to Navy Pier. This, of course,
also resulted in the first sore butt of spring. Seriously, even with
the gel seat I bought last year, ouch.

Seed

There's a new science magazine on the racks. Seed. Their tagline is "Seed: Science is Culture." I haven't had a chance to look at a copy yet. Anyone read it?

"SEED defines the science of contemporary urban
culture," writes founder and editor Adam Bly in his first editor's
note. In an interview from his office in Montreal, the young scientist
says his provocative first cover shows that science is sexy. It's not
only "for lab-coat wearing, frizzy-haired geeks. This is about showing
science as pop culture."

(Via CSM)

"Robot Chicken" and My Second City Education

Today I'm enjoying some of Seth Green and Matt Seinrich's "Robot Chicken" (I'm all over Cartoon Network fare lately). It's making me appreciate some of the critical comedy thinking skills that my classes at Second City are teaching me.

As much as my friends have long enjoyed mocking me for being overthinky, and outlining underlying structure in entertainment rather than "just enjoying it!", it's part of what I do by nature, and it's what I need to do if I want to actually create comedy eventually. I might be starting to really think like a comedy writer now.

"Clash of context" comedy formats that I've identified on "Robot Chicken" Season One, Disk One so far:

• Superheroes and the Real World MTV environment.



• Jesus and the Kill Bill movies.



• American Idol and Night of the Living Dead.



• C-SPAN and MTV's TRL.



• "Blind Date" and the Alien/Predator characters.



• James Bond and Jewish cliches.



• Popeye character "Wimpy" and the "It's a Wonderful Life" formula.

Oh, my god. There's commentary...gotta watch again.

May I Take Your Order? Um...No

Slippery meat in king's vegetables in pillar. Geez, I haven't had that in years!

I, Nanobot

Alan H. Goldstein's concerns about the evolution of nanotech and its implications for the definition of life itself.

Scientists are on the verge of breaking the carbon barrier -- creating
artificial life and changing forever what it means to be human. And
we're not ready.

(Via Salon)

The Jim Jones Variety Hour

The other night some friends and I were chillin' after a nice Cuban dinner and caught the muted TV, tuned to PBS, out of the corner of our eye. We were mesmerized and puzzled by a musical performance that was absolutely uncatagorizable.

We sat down to watch. We turned the sound on.

"Is this religious? It looks like a cult recruitment video!"

"No, I think it's a children's concert."

"No, it looks Swedish or something."

"The singer looks like Raffi. This is for children."

"No, those giant bunnies would scare the shit out of children."

"This is actually scaring me a little bit. Change the channel."

"What the hell IS this?"

We couldn't look away. We couldn't google it, either. The wireless was on the fritz.

"It's the Jim Jones Jamboree!"
I asserted. 'Don't drink the Kool-Aid, children!" I then offered our
Cuban friends a brief explanation of who Jim Jones was, and the
contemporary meaning of the phrase "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

A song came on. We focused on the lyrics. "This will help us figure this out," we said. We turned on the closed-captioning.

"Oh Yoshimi, they don't believe me
but you won't let those robots eat me
Yoshimi, they don't believe me
but you won't let those robots defeat me"

Well, that didn't help.

Then the wireless came back online. We googled. It was the Flaming Lips on Austin City Limits. They, who regaled us with "She Don't Use Jelly" in 1993. Wow. I never would have figured that one out on my own.

Cute Things Children Have Said To Me

To offset my recent whinge about obnoxious men, a tally of cute things children have said to me recently.

(From a neighbor's 12 year old boy): "You remind me of a child, somehow."
This was in the middle of me being funny with him about our lunch
options. The comment was sweet, and vague enough that I've tried to figure
out exactly what he meant by that. Hopefully he meant "You are fun and
silly and imaginative," and not "You eat snot and have girl cooties." Also that night he said "I like your laugh. It makes things seem funnier." (Wow...is that the key to successful comedy? Laughing at my own jokes?)

Also, a
few years ago, from a boy I babysat for for years, to another child who had just been introduced to me: "That's Bella. She likes kids." Aww!

Eva Longoria Won't Shut Up About Her Sex Life

Isn't her moment in the spotlight almost over? I've never even seen her show, and yet I know waaaaay too much about her. You like Brazilians.You like sex. Thanks for the information.

Eva Longoria says her Brazilian wax boosts her sex life.

Eva: Vibrator is best sex.

Longoria stunned by response to magazine interview she gave confessing her love of vibrators.

Eva Longoria 'the Teacher' in Relationship With Tony Parker.

Eva Longoria praises Parker’s bedroom skills.

Comedy Careers Launched on the Net

I keep talking about new media and comedy...here's some more.

"The mass audience is now the Internet generation. They want it now," says Dianne Lynch, dean of Ithaca College's Park School of Communications. "And the ability to have access to something humorous at the touch of a button and shoot it around the world is perfect for a time where we find ourselves under great political and economic stress." The school sponsored the recent Cellflix Festival, which featured scores of humor-infused, student-made 30-second "movies" shot by cellphones.

The convergence of technology, content and consumer demand is creating "the perfect storm," says Lou Wallach, head of original programming and content at Comedy Central. The cable network, which is among several traditional media outlets developing TV-like Internet comedy channels and websites, has launched MotherLoad, a five-channel streaming-video site featuring TV clips and original content, including The Clip Joint, short videos that will debut on mobile phones.

(Via USA Today)

Roof Sex and Other Perversities

Remember "Furniture Porn?" Now there's Roof Sex. (NSFW, but very funny.)

Naomi Campbell Has a Date With Rosie O'Donnell

Psycho British supermodel
Naomi Campbell has thrown yet another tantrum and whaled all over yet another humble personal employee. This time the assistant's transgression was not finding a pair of jeans. Naomi is pictured at left, under arrest, with her handcuffs hidden under a tasteful pashmina shawl from Anne Klein. (It's the hottest in felonywear, which would be nicely paired with Martha Stewart's lace home detention ankle bracelet cozy.)

The Smoking Gun has put together a short but hilarious claymation re-enactment of Naomi's hair-trigger rage incident, based on testimony from the last such incident.

Rosie O'Donnell is also really ticked at Naomi, and wants a little hunk of flesh.

Rosie can be a little nuts (see the "my yellow" example) but I like what she's doing with Rosie's Family Cruise,
in which she demonstrates that families with gay parents are just as
happy and obnoxious as other families. Anyway, she wants to put the
hurt on big bully Naomi a little bit:

O'Donnell
explains, "I just picture this cute little Mexican woman working
saying, Excuse me Miss Campbell can I possibly get you... ' and Naomi
going, 'Get away from me, bam bam bam!'...I would actually like to
fight her. I think for all the people that she's beaten up, I think she
needs a big 200 pound lesbian to kick her a*s."

(Via contactmusic)