Frances Bean For President

As a child of the early 1990's, it makes me very happy that Frances Bean Cobain (in the new Harper's Bazaar) seems so level-headed and smart and funny. And let's not even talk about the cuteness. Doesn't everyone my age remember when she was a baby? And didn't we all worry about her in the aftermath of all the drama?

"These people are fascinated by me, but I haven't done anything," Frances says. "I'm famous by default. I came out of the womb and people wanted to know who I was because of my parents. If you're a big Nirvana fan, a big Hole fan, then I understand why you would want to get to know me, but I'm not my parents. People need to wait until I've done something valid with my life."

I'm Sorry, Do I Know You? Photos You Get When You Google "Elizabeth McQuern"

Because I am associated in the public sphere with comedy more than anything else, a lot of image searches for "Elizabeth McQuern" reflect this. Then, of course, there are always the random "huh?" ones that pop up. Here's a sampling of the photos that show up when you google my name, and a brief explanation of whatever connection I might actually have to the people in the photos.

Aziz Ansari. I talked to him on the phone for about a half an hour once, resulting in this interview. He is an amazing comedian and writer who did "Human Giant" on MTV recently, and agrees with me that Bobb'e J Thompson is a genius beyond even grownup comedians.




Demetri Martin. Like Aziz, Demetri is also adorable and hilarious. I've seen a little of his comedy, and he's clearly a very special talent. But I've never chatted with him.






Charna Halpern, iO theater owner, is someone I know. She was my first big interview at the Bastion. She's teeny tiny in person and very nice but somehow still intimidating. Then again, I'm a dork.





Yanni. What? I've never met this guy. I think he dated Joan Collins or Bo Derek -- no, it was Linda Evans for awhile. But he's never been one of my MySpace friends.








Ew! Who is that ghostly, fug, ginger...oh, wait, that's me. I guess this one popping up when you google my name is the one that makes the most sense.






Jason Bateman*. Never met him. Not to say that I didn't go through a fervent fan letter writing phase when I was young, plying NBC with schmoopy fangirl letters until I received autographed glossies of Bateman and Ricky Schroeder. Ahem. Also, he did great work on the late, great "Arrested Development."





Fred Armisen performed at a People Under the Stares show the Bastion wrote about once. Like everyone else my age, I had a crush on River Phoenix from the time I was about 13, but I never met his ex-girfriend Martha Plimpton.






"Guy on the left"and John Mulaney, who grew up with several people I know here in Chicago. I saw him open for Mike Birbiglia at the Lakeshore, and he was wonderful. He's still quite young but is very talented and moved to New York early. He does stuff on tv, and other stuff.




TJ Miller. Super nice kid. Our first Bastion interview, and Chicago comedy's "most likely to succeed" since well before I came on the scene. He's already jumped the shark, having moved to L.A. to star in ABC's "Carpoolers," and is starring in J.J. Abrams mega budget monster movie"Cloverfield." You'll be seeing more of him.




Mike Burns. Comedian. Clothing designer. Chicagoan turned New Yorker (perhaps soon to turn Angeleno?). I met him at a party once or twice. K-Rock vouches for him. Our big brother the Apiary took our word for his coolness and interviewed him. I hope he'll pop into my show whenever he's in town.



Eugene Mirman and Bobby Tisdale. They run "Invite Them Up" in New York. I interviewed Eugene for the Bastion. He is a total goofball and totally brilliant.






Matt Besser. I mentioned a funny project he did on Bella Rossa right about the time the Apiary's Nate was (unbeknownst to me) reading along and thinking about offering me editorship of the Bastion. Besser cut his teeth on improv here in Chicago and, along with the rest of the UCB, is about to bring some of the best live comedy from both coasts right here to Chicago's Lakeshore Theater, so I'm a big fan.

*EDIT: Not Jason Bateman. Michael Delaney, of the UCB's Swarm. I need new eyeballs. Whatever.

Six Degrees of Celebrity Butt

My brother's butt touched Harrison Ford's butt at some party a few nights ago in NYC. Andrew turned back-to-back with Indiana Jones as they approached each other in a walkway so as not to have the shrieky, awkward, face-to-face celebrity encounter my brother saw Han Solo having all night long. He won't stop talking about it. (My brother, of course. Not Detective Captain John Book.)

And, as a friend at a message board pointed out (thanks, Jett Rink!), every time you touch someone's butt, you're touching everyone's butt they've touched.

That means my butt has touched Harrison Ford's butt, and therefore Anne Heche's butt, and therefore Ellen Degeneres' butt, and therefore Portia De Rossi's butt, and therefore Calista Flockhart's butt...and therefore Harrison Ford's butt.

That means, as I've always suspected, there were three blonde lesbians and one skinny fake lawyer standing between me and Jack Ryan.

Did I just take the long way around in a game of Six Degrees of Celebrity Butt?

I See You Over There in the Corner, Comedy. We'll Chat Again Soon

I've been squinting at comedy out of the corner of my eye for the last few weeks. I've been so overwhelmed with new writing jobs and other things that I've had to delegate some opportunities for comedy interviews with some of my idols, including Janeane Garofalo and Patton Oswalt. Truth be told, these interviews just wouldn't have happened if it had just been up to me, and I wouldn't have come up with all the intelligent and informed questions Dan did.

This part made me especially happy. Patton actually said to Dan: "I'm talking to really cool people that are also going to share my enthusiasm for, if not just comedy but just for the arts. And for just things. Easy to talk to. Like the way that we are talking right now, this is more just like a conversation it's not some guy going (in a nasally voice) 'Well how would you define comedy?' You know? I'm actually talking to comedy fans, which is great."

Patton also said this, when Dan asked him about advice for new comedians: "Go on stage a lot. Just go on stage a lot. Find your own venue. Find your own space. Work on just making those five minutes really count. And if there's not enough stage time, go create your own stages."

I've also been playing hooky at open mics where friends have continued to work and make great progress (check out the fancy video editing by Dan, all of the sudden!):

The hilarious and clever Rebecca:


The delightfully annoyed Dan:

Splashosaurus, Seeing Red, Bad Celebrity Parents, Fug Mermaids, More

Evidence that many dinosaurs swam. Evidence that many humans are stupid, which is to say, a $27 million creationist museum has opened in Kentucky, asserting that dinosaurs were on Noah's Ark.

The evolutionary roots of red hair are revealed. “'It looks like red skin and hair became a sexual preference,'” said evolutionary biologist Molly Morris... it’s still socially—and sexually—relevant for an ape to see red.'" That must be why we're all so fascinated by the red butts on those mandrills when we go to the zoo.

Lindsay Lohan, recently released from detox at Wonderland into that honeymoon retox period, has been busted for DUI. (Oh, yeah, and she had cocaine in the car.) Her dumb dad has therefore been clamoring for cameras to blab at, since that's the only channel of communication he has with his daughter. Does this remind anyone else of Eminem's mom's "let's mend fences" rap a few years ago?

In 1493, somewhere near Haiti, Christopher Columbus saw three mermaids, and was disappointed by their lack of hotness. No, wait, those were manatees. Silly explorer.

Okay, cicadas are annoying and plentiful - to us humans. To zoo animals? They are yummy, yummy snacks.

A cool guy on YouTube is posting "how to" videos for people with prosthetic arms. Wanna know how to tie your shoe with one fleshly hand and one hook? He'll show you. With a smile.

Holidaze

Wow, even for someone whose approach to Christmas insanity is like that of a conscientious objector, I'm still getting bogged down in a lot of holiday logistical baloney. Just going home to Indiana for four days is proving quite a complex task. How's your holiday sidestepping going?

My Apiary editor/publisher Nate sent me the kickass Ultimate David Sedaris Box Set for Christmas. I'm in heaven!

Axl Rose grabbed old Indiana homeboy Izzy Stradlin and pulled him onstage at a recent Guns 'n' Roses concert in L.A. My mind was blown by the mention that Izzy actually retired from the band in 1991. Fifteen years? Is that long enough to wash the toxic influence of Axl Rose out of one's bloodstream? Also, have I ever mentioned that Izzy Stradlin's dad and my mom used to get in fights on the school bus as children? Yes, my angelic-looking little blonde Mama used to swing a lunchpail at Mr. Isbell, who was reportedly quite a little cuss, back in the day. Just a bit of gee-whiz for you there.

All my stand-up comedy friends are abuzz about Zach Galifianakis having been the surprise guest at a show at Weeds last Tuesday. Extra shows were added, and it sounds like there was an afterparty where tipsy worshippers said hello to one of our alt comedy idols. One of our Bastion correspondents even managed a 20 minute phone interview with ZG. I had a business meeting to attend Tuesday night, and I'm consoling myself with thoughts of the gratis cheeseburger and Coronas I enjoyed instead of brushing elbows with a comedy hero. Anyway, here's some Zach:

It's A Blog World After All

Despite the fact that I am not a teenybopper looking for makeout partners, and through some strange agent of fate (let's call her K-Rock) I have been dragged into the world of MySpace. I can't believe it, either. I'm telling myself that I'm doing it for Chicago comedy, which makes it okay. Also, it is sort of nice to think I've gained 112 friends in the last two days, even though none of them really know who I am, outside of being the editor of the Bastion.

Gossip blogger, self-proclaimed gay activist (more like witch-hunting de-closeter) and all around annoying self-promoter Perez Hilton is being sued for several million dollars by photo agencies. Anyone else remember when he actually just blogged about celebrity gossip, and didn't insert himself into every story and plaster his own smug face all over every post? Things change so quickly in the blogosphere.

Speaking of grating public personalities named Hilton, Paris Hilton's publicist would like you to know that she has trouble keeping cupcakes out of her nose. That's the best explanation for white powder around the nostrils that I've ever heard!

Tucker Max has landed a sitcom deal based on his tales of jerkery. Bloggers around the world wrap scarves around their faces and claim to know nothing about HTML.

Oh, and I have a new motto that I'm living my life by now. Ready for it? It's brilliant: "Bring your own snacks." Literally and otherwise, I've found this to be the key to happiness. Be responsible for your own experience. Think ahead about what you're going to need in life to be happy and satiated. Don't waste money on flashy $6 Starbucks sandwiches when a little baggie of pistachios and dried cranberries and will do you even better. Bring your own snacks!

Bloggity Bloggity Bloggity

My e-friend Keith Huang recently interviewed Jon Lovitz for the Apiary, which is the big brother site of my baby the Bastion. Lovitz uses his MySpace blog to answer questions people send in about comedy and acting and showbiz, which I think is fantastic. Jon Lovitz is a landed rich dude. He doesn't have to care about all these kids writing to him for advice, or spend all that time writing his replies, but he does. Good on ya, Lovitz.

Lovitz: "I enjoy helping people because there's so much stuff to know about acting and how it actually works and what you need to do. And there's a lot of misinformation out there, and people don't know what it's really like or the reality of the situation. And I, of course, didn't know anything when I first started. Standup comedy isn't a competition. You're selling your own personality, and it's completely subjective. But it's fun for me to tell people this is how you do it. And there's also satisfaction when years later people will come up to me and tell me that I told them to get into standup and now they're doing it and they've made a career out of it. I'm like, 'Really? You took my advice?' But it feels good that you can help people."

Hey! I've been nominated for Best Individual Blog in the Weblog Awards. (No, I didn't nominate myself.) And yeah, over three hundred others were also nominated, but still. It's cool.

Bad Behavior, the Bobby Knight Edition

Bobby Knight. This video is a strong indication that he is exactly the kind of dumb jerk I always thought he was. Not even a charismatic "put up with him because he's a brilliant and/or talented ass," just a garden variety egotistical dullard who can't control his rage. Also, a shitty golfer.

(Note to a large percentage of my family: "Go IU!")

Bad Behavior, the Madonna Edition

Perhaps Kaballah has not taught Madonna the patience she needs to put up with the stupidity and bumbling of us mere mortals. It certainly hasn't taught her that she sounds phony talking in anything other than her own accent. Here's a video of her going off on an interview crew in a terrifically haughty manner befitting a Duchess.

Does Tom Cruise Have a Movie in Theatres?

What with all the fake baby stuff, Scientology weirdness, leaping from jets into sportscars onto fire engines roaring down New York streets paved with testosterone in order to rescue busfuls of burning nuns and orphans, I'd forgotten Tom Cruise had an actual movie coming out. (Does he look like a middle-aged lesbian in that picture? I'm not saying he does, I'm just saying...)

Stephanie Zacharek says in her review: "Cruise squints, blinks and bucks. The scene is all about suffering --
his, not hers -- and later, as he clutches the corpse of a fallen agent
to his manly pectorals, the camera lingers on the held-back tears in
his eyes. Cruise is so busy squeezing out his hard little nuggets of
feeling that he's incapable of letting anything in. Signal sent!
Objective achieved! If there are other actors in the scene, Cruise
hasn't noticed them. No one's going to sink his battleship."
(Via Salon)

Rosie vs. Star - Rumble on the View

It's going to be very interesting when Rosie O'Donnell starts co-hosting on "The View," a show hardly worth watching unless there's tension among the co-hosts. Rosie is already trash talking Star Jones, her soon-to-be co-host. It's enough to make me wish I was unemployed again so I could stay at home and watch the sparks fly.

(Bonus link: Rosie's contract prohibits her from cutting her hair short - someone at ABC is trying to prevent another "angry lesbian with a Flock of Seagulls haircut" incident.)

"
Here's what annoys me about Star Jones," says Rosie O'Donnell...

"To write a book about how to be the
perfect woman that she now is, and to leave out gastric bypass and the
supposed gender-identity issues of your husband, it's just like selling
bulls— to the point that it's sickening."
...
"And she pushed
away a plate of Oreos with Joy [Behar, her co-host on "The View"]. They
had new Double Stuf Oreos they had to eat, obviously, because they had
a Nabisco deal at ABC, and Star goes, 'I'll just have one, because I
have self-control.' And I thought, Joy's gonna say it. She's gonna say,
'You lying sack of s—, you can only eat one because you poop soup!'"

(Via New York Daily News)

Celebrity Jerks, the Sheen/Baldwin Edition

I've always assumed Charlie Sheen was a smarmy, pervy, nasty creep. He loved those cheerleader-whores of Heidi Fleiss' an awful lot. So it's no surprise that the Smoking Gun is reporting that he's left his soon-to-be-former-wife Denise Richards such charming voicemails as this one:

"You're a f*cking liar and you know what it's like...f*ck you. Okay, I hope you rot in f*cking hell. You're a piece of sh*t f*cking liar and I hope you rot in hell. So f*ck you. I hope I never talk to you again you f*cking c*nt. F*ck you. So you're a coward and a liar and a f*cking n*gger so f*ck you."

She's a "f*cking n*gger?" What the hell is wrong with Charlie Sheen?
Oh yeah, that's right, DECADES of cocaine and prostitutes. And enabling
yes-men and a pampered Hollywood lifestyle that holds him accountable
for nothing. What a loser-ass moron.

But Alec Baldwin? Wherefore art thou, "Hunt For Red October" era, cute
and clever, pre-bloat and rage, pre-horrible-breakup-with-Kim-Basinger,
pre-evolution-into-current-state-of-bloviation Alec Baldwin? Oh yeah,
that's right, GONE.

Today's Alec Baldwin has "put
his fist through a wall during an argument about onstage
air-conditioning and was 'throwing things around with all of us
cowering'...the actor created an 'unhealthy and oppressive situation
onstage and off'."
(Via contactmusic)

Oh well, at least he wasn't busted for cokey shenanagans in an anonymous hotel room like his brother Daniel.

Rosie O'Donnell to Join "The View"

Maybe she can help keep Star Jones from strangling Joy Behar. Although I personally would find it entertaining if Joy gave Star a beatdown. Anyway, Rosie is going to replace Meredith Vieira on "The View," as Vieira escapes Barbara Walters' clutches and flees to replace Katie Couric on the "Today Show," where she will earn kajillions of dollars and never have to listen to the nonsensical ramblings of Elisabeth Hasselbeck ever again. Good for her.

David Copperfield Robbed at Gunpoint

He can make the Statue of Liberty disappear, and convince the world he's actually in a relationship with Claudia Schiffer, but fending off three mug-minded teenagers is too much? Wuss.

Don't Question Her Commitment To Sparkle Motion

Little Samantha Darko is all grown up, and has her own blog. Well, okay, she's actually just fifteen, but here's actress Daveigh Chase: Daveigh's Days... the Official Journal.

Robot Chicken, Part II, Synchonicity Boogaloo

(I know, the "_____ Part II: Electric Boogaloo" joke has been done to death. I still like it. Sue me.)

Last weekend, 'round about the time I was blogging about analyzing the story structure of Seth Green's magnificent "Robot Chicken," a friend of mine met Seth Green in Las Vegas. My friend acted as my proxy and approached Seth to say "Hey, man, I wanted you to know I love Robot Chicken." And Seth said "Thanks." And then my friend tried to make out with Seth Green. Okay, that part's not true. My friend is quite a sturdy fella, and Seth Green is a tiny cutie, and that would have been very weird. But that's what I would have done if I had been there.

"Robot
Chicken" Season One, Disk Two just arrived in my mailbox yesterday, and
I'd be all over it right now, but for my Mama visiting for the weekend.
(Something tells me she wouldn't share my enthusiasm for Nostalgic
Action Figure Theatre.)

Also, in imaginative animation news, I'm also enjoying a bit of "Rex the Runt,"
thanks to the recommendation of another friend. Or, as I kept
mistakenly calling it, "Runt Rocket." Every time this friend and I sit
down and brainstorm about creative projects we'd like to start
together, we always end up taking about claymation,
which is about the most labor-intensive thing you can do. She and a
friend did a little two-minute claymation project once, and it took
hours and hours and hours to make all the minute changes to create the
scene.

Reminds me of the little bits at the end of "Moral Orel," which are little Orel's own stop-motion projects, and very funny. Hey, if a puppet can do stop-motion, why couldn't I?

Crimes of Fashion

Jessica Simpson is being sued by her own clothing label for $100 million, for failing to publicly promote them as agreed.

Melanie Griffith is being sued for refusing to pay for almost $25,000 worth of Golden Globes finery.

And yet no legal steps can be taken to restrain Sally Kirkland?

Keep Katie Quiet

Katie Holmes has given birth to...whatever it is she's been stuffing under her shirt for the past twelve months. (Doesn't it seem like it's been that long?) The real question is, did she keep silent while birthing? Who knows. But this Katie Holmes Birth Simulator game is pretty funny.

Eva Longoria Won't Shut Up About Her Sex Life

Isn't her moment in the spotlight almost over? I've never even seen her show, and yet I know waaaaay too much about her. You like Brazilians.You like sex. Thanks for the information.

Eva Longoria says her Brazilian wax boosts her sex life.

Eva: Vibrator is best sex.

Longoria stunned by response to magazine interview she gave confessing her love of vibrators.

Eva Longoria 'the Teacher' in Relationship With Tony Parker.

Eva Longoria praises Parker’s bedroom skills.